Matt: 0:00

Previously on. You Didn't Ask For this. We're here. We're afraid we are about to walk inside wearing wireless microphones to an Ikea in an undisclosed location.

Eric: 0:13

They are very visible. It's very clear we're recording. I don't think it's very clear we're recording, unless you know what these devices are. It's very clear we're up to something. Well, that's always clear, we are wearing matching black Henleys.

Matt: 0:26

It's going to be our first time doing this. And listen, we might get kicked out. We we might get arrested at this ikea. We've made it. We've made it in so far as getting meatballs. Now we have a few questions that I think we need to keep an eye on. How many furbies could fit in a Scruffby?

Eric: 0:44

What celebrity would you gift the farming charter?

Matt: 0:48

to Best creative uses for a DeVergmus. I have learned that these little rooms are called room sets.

Eric: 0:56

Raw bulbs coming out the sides.

Matt: 0:59

Hate that. Oh yeah, I don't like a raw bulb, I don't like an unprotected bulb.

Eric: 1:03

You like wallpaper, I like wallpaper Period In general. Oh yeah, I don't like a raw bulb I don't like an unprotected bulb. You like wallpaper. I like wallpaper Period in general. Oh yeah, why? When answering or asking any employees a question or admiring something, will you, Werner Herzog it?

Matt as Werner Herzog: 1:16

Know that the plates will never be filled with food.

Matt: 1:19

You will never hear what. This is not, werner Herzog, you will never hear the sound of laughter.

Eric: 1:24

Who would I give this adorable little heart cushion to?

Matt as Werner Herzog: 1:27

Emma.

Eric: 1:27

Stone, I would give mine to Tilda Swinton.

Matt: 1:31

How long do you think this episode is going to end up being? Oh, like three hours. Okay, how long do you think this episode is going to end up being? Oh, like three hours. Okay, you know me. Normally I'm on the like ball with keeping track of time I'm letting it flow.

Eric: 2:01

No, we're just enjoying ourselves today, whatever, happens Now.

Matt: 2:05

we are being the worst people right now, which is, the people who walk the opposite direction.

Eric: 2:09

Yeah, we're the worst. Well, we left our kid back here.

Matt: 2:12

Well, he's who knows where she went to.

Eric: 2:17

Young Werner and his sister Herzog. Young Werner and his sister Herzog. Children, how many times do I have to tell you Again Do not, do not wander from the track. I want you to work on your Werner Herzog and come back to me. I feel like you're not giving my Werner Herzog enough credit.

Matt: 2:36

I think I'm giving it.

Eric: 2:37

I wouldn't say it's dead on, but I would say it's not as bad as you're being too.

Matt: 2:42

I think I'm giving your Werner Herzog the credit it deserves. Okay, is this employee with the blue hair? He just walked by this way. He was standing behind us when we were at the search computer. Are we being stalked? Is he trying to figure out what we're up to, maybe? Keep an eye out. Keep your eyes swivel. Okay, he's not still here, so it might be a false alarm. Okay, okay, it might be fine, is this?

Eric: 3:10

scrub me. This looks like this could be scrubbed, this one here. No, it's this the section. This is the section the section ox top.

Matt: 3:19

Well, now we're back in bookcases. Okay, I don't think we think we're going to find it over here who asked us the Scruffby question?

Eric: 3:28

Oh, that was a. I believe that was Juniper. Oh, that's a Juniper. Question Confirming Juniper yes, all the name-centric ones were Juniper.

Matt: 3:37

Oh, interesting. She was like on top of it. The Legome question that came from somebody else. I think, yes, grant. Top of it the legume question that came from somebody else. I think, yes, grant, I think that was grant his email. See what happens when I don't know my monitors in front of me. I know I'm just out here saying things I don't know.

Eric: 3:54

We've doubled back down, yeah, I don't think we're gonna find a scrubby here's what we do. Keep an eye out for the scrubby. Keep an eye out for the scrubby. Pour one out for the scrubby. Okay, this room set is like a studio apartment. It is a very studio apartment, as evidenced by the bed.

Matt: 4:07

Six feet from the oven and kitchen, but it's like the nicest studio apartment you've ever seen.

Eric: 4:11

Yeah, this is like the optimal. Now, Eric, take a look at this bathroom. Now this is a nice bathroom. Okay, this is a very chill bathroom. I like the tub.

Matt: 4:21

I could see a wealthy, uh, middle-aged woman taking a glass of wine sitting down with some, maybe like candles on a on the rim of the tub, you know, yeah, and having just a nice night to remember her. I don't know like the her crimes crimes, her crime to reflect on the lives she's ruined, all the children she purposely killed as a nurse. Matt, look, oh yes.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 4:51

Look at this Very good.

Matt: 4:51

Eric.

Matt: 4:52

Put this mannequin hand? Yeah, oh, we better capture this on film. Why were you looking at me and not the camera? I want to look like I got caught doing it. Yeah, okay, let's see how. About a question? We cannot leave the bathroom until we answer the question. No, we're answering a question in this bathroom. Okay, we've actually hit quite a few. Do you think we found the coziest Ikea item yet that has also come from Sarah Feldman? I don't think so. No, because I would have immediately squealed and said this is it Now at? Mike Parig Jr says Singer Joko says they're selling furniture for college kids and divorced men. Who else? I don't know this Joko, do you? No, I don't know who he's talking about, or the song, and maybe I'm embarrassing myself, but I also don't care who can say. Who can say, but who?

Matt: 5:39

else is Ikea selling, but I'll tell you this I don't want to know now. Now that I know Joko's opinions about Ikea, I'll say you take your bougie business elsewhere.

Eric: 5:50

So who is Ikea for Everyone? It's for everyone, it's for everyone. But who is best served by Ikea?

Matt: 5:59

Artists, artists for sure artists, for sure, people who have a job that they don't want, yes, but only have to sustain their actual passions, which are beginning to feel a little like a burden, simply because they have the full-time job, which only serves to drag them through the muck and they can't fully pursue their art because they're at the job.

Eric: 6:30

But they need the job in order to afford to be able to do the art.

Matt: 6:33

Yes, I don't know where I pulled that group from. Who can say who can say who can? Say but yeah, don't break that sink. By the way, it's for people. Again, don't break that sink. It's for people, it's it's. Again, don't break the sink. It's for people, for whom here sit on the bed, I'll sit in this chair.

Eric: 6:52

Having nice things isn't the end goal in and of itself? No, but who still deserve nice things? Can you imagine waking up?

Matt: 6:59

to this face folks that I just took the for those following along on the. I just did a boudoir shoot instagrams.

Eric: 7:06

I did boudoir shoot ikea boudoir shoot. That's the name of a band.

Matt: 7:14

How lucky am I to see this. This cross-armed circular glasses prints on my bed, fanny pack haven illuminated by and how, for some reason, 85 anchor sparrow.

Eric: 7:27

And how fortunate am I to have this shadowed in the corner, devoid of all light, watching me on my bed, though not facing me this is also the word.

Matt: 7:38

I imagine they're trying to evoke some sort of like. I'm putting this chair here to read a bedtime story. This is the worst chair to do that in. I think I don't have a child. I wouldn't feel it. I'd be too loungy.

Eric: 7:52

Way too loungy, too casual for this.

Matt: 7:55

Now, this tells us to look inside, so let's. Oh, it lights up. It's a light-up closet, I mean, it's just an LED strip.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 8:04

It's an LED strip, but that's primo application of LED strip.

Matt: 8:07

I'm glad it's.

Eric: 8:08

LED strip, because if that's like a replaceable bulb, I'll never buy that.

Matt: 8:11

What do we think we got in here? Now this is still not a scurf bee and it doesn't light up, so I don't think it's good. Okay, okay.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 8:21

Are you escorting me out? You just?

Matt: 8:22

touched the small on my back and said sir, please come with me.

Eric: 8:26

Now we can have a private office.

Matt: 8:28

Oh, there is a changing screen All right here. Ooh, look, legos.

Eric: 8:34

Is there more Legos?

Matt: 8:36

Is that?

Eric: 8:36

it. They just gave you those.

Matt: 8:40

I was going to touch it.

Eric: 8:41

but then I thought about all the children that must have touched it. This is so nice. They have this tablet, they have the holder built in, so you don't ever have to. You can just set it anywhere.

Matt: 8:51

That is nice. I'm also thinking I might like one of those holders for the kitchen. For an open recipe book. Well, I think that's what it's trying to show you that you can put your iPad up.

Eric: 9:01

This is showing someone like putting someone's email shit on blast that you can put your iPad up. This is showing someone like putting someone's email shit on blast. Let's see if we can weave the narrative from this inbox. So these are email titles and as much of the content as I can read you from the preview Peter Green travel plans. Mike, not sure if you have finalized plans, but here is my.

Matt: 9:23

Oh, that's it.

Eric: 9:23

Oh, that's it Me, Katz.

Matt: 9:26

Proposal for the yacht.

Eric: 9:30

Proposal for the yacht. Proposal for the yacht. Here's my proposal for the yacht. Then we have this is a three-person thread Me, katz and Steven. Presentation prep. There's an attachment. Oh, there was also an attachment in the first email. Hi, team, I'm attaching the. There's an attachment. Oh, there was also an attachment in the first email. Uh, hi, team, I'm attaching the latest version of the dossier. Dossier playing mad libs now uh, katarina, success with the the title fundraiser info. Hi everyone, I'm currently helping my friend for Blood donations Her blood.

Eric: 10:07

Specifically, she really wants to donate her blood Specifically? Yes, From James Thede Moving offices. Mike, can I get your help later today to move my Penis? Got him, got him, got him in the Ikea Because oh don't worry.

Matt: 10:28

There is a small girl with an earshot.

Eric: 10:30

Oh, thank God.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 10:33

From Victor Harp.

Matt: 10:35

Coffee.

Eric: 10:35

Run. Hey everyone, I'm running to the coffee shop, if you dare. This is good.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 10:42

Okay, this is very good.

Matt: 10:43

All right, we better. Move on, we better, although I do think we are in the back half already.

Eric: 10:49

I think we're in the second half.

Matt: 10:51

I think we are in the second half Now. Here are the Hemnes bookcases. I didn't even need to see the sign the Hemnes book. The Hemnes is just such a good. The Hemnes is quality and I'll tell you this good the Hemnes is quality and I'll tell you this, this Hemnes desk, was my desk for many years. Yes, they are. The Hemnes desk was my desk for many years and now I have the countertop IKEA hack.

Eric: 11:13

You know what the thing is. I love plants. I hate fake plants. Yeah, cannot say With few exceptions. We have some like ivy. I hate like fake out of the ground plants. We have some like ivy and so I hate like fake, like like out of the ground plant, like we have some like lovely fake ivy accenting our I think exposed brick at home.

Matt: 11:30

I think I agree, but like when it's like hanging plants, I just want real plant well, see, I'm trying, lindsay and I are trying to become plant people now that we we have a home, so we have some, we have a. My parents were here last weekend and they gave us the Peace Lily, which we found is very dramatic when it's it isn't watered, it's got all droopy. We gave it some water and it worked right out. Now you are eyeing the Upspell, or no? Well, this is like a whole gaming stuff. This is like the gaming cave.

Eric: 12:03

This is someone who gaming setup. This is like the gaming cave. This is someone who it's definitely a dude that owns this desk, oh yeah.

Matt: 12:10

This is a streamer setup. This is like the oh and look, it's got an automatic standing.

Eric: 12:16

Are they presets?

Matt: 12:17

Yeah, you can preset it To rise. It can be a standing, the presets we're describing. Again, we've got to describe things here. It's a standing slash sitting desk and you can program. Matt, it comes with this hand. What's that?

Eric: 12:34

Let me tell you why you love and need this chair.

Matt: 12:38

Okay, so far I'm not seeing it Sleek, yeah, tell me this chair doesn't Look at this Adjustable headrest.

Eric: 12:46

It doesn't look comfortable, no, it doesn't, but I think you need this.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 12:49

I'm assuming. Ooh, look at the blue underlight.

Eric: 12:52

Oh, blue underlighting. So yeah, just go ahead and lean back. Get your head all the way back. I think this is like your work desk now. I don't think so.

Matt: 13:00

I think you work from this desk every day?

Eric: 13:02

now? I don't think so. The little star pattern on the wheels, like the little there's, a star pattern on the wheel.

Eric: 13:09

Not a star pattern on the wheel, but it's in a star shape like this little wheel housing All right, lots of clicking, lots of leverage. It feels like so much stuff could get caught in this, but I don't feel caught and I no. I said so much stuff can get caught in this. Oh, can get caught in this. Yeah, like you can get like. So like I feel like looking at this it makes my fingers kinda hurt because I feel like they're gonna break if I use it.

Matt: 13:32

I'll tell you what. There's not enough support for me. I can't, I can't, oh the hand is here I need one of these hands. That's pretty cool. Lindsay would not be pleased if I got a wooden hand just to hold my headphones. But Lindsay is not here. Lindsay, Wow, you are creating such a grip.

Eric: 13:56

Oh wow, they tape. Notice, they tape down the middle finger. Yes Well, oh, I'm sorry, oh fuck, oh I'm sorry, oh fuck, oh I'm sorry.

Matt: 14:12

Hold on, eric, oh I'm sorry. First of all, we're both getting these. Yes, these ikea bag hats. Yes, very good, we're both getting one of these, we are both getting one of these.

Eric: 14:19

They're ikea bucket hats made seemingly from the material, from the material, so let's hold on to these oh this is oh, I'm sure this will play great. Oh, that's true. I find if I hold it by the brim, we'll just pinch it, and hold it away from the mic and we're all right.

Matt: 14:35

But we have to get these hats, these Ikea bag bucket hats.

Eric: 14:42

This is good. See this these kind of color. This is. I love earth tones. I love warm colors.

Matt: 14:49

This is like a deep green that we, lindsay and I, just painted our basement this color.

Eric: 14:54

It's very calming, very good Very good, this is a nice bed too. Oh, I'm a sucker for the under bed storage.

Matt: 15:00

Oh we don't have it. I kind of wish we do, but we just got a new bed frame, so Lindsay won't condone getting a new one. Oh my god, Eric, look at this.

Eric: 15:09

Look at this closet.

Matt: 15:12

This is stylish. This is very stylish Only shirts, socks, I'll tell you what they've got all these hats on this blue wall, a nice deep wooden shelf. I feel like I'm in Connecticut. It's very rich, it is, it does I feel like I am an investment banker who lives in Connecticut but commutes to New York? Yes, yes.

Eric: 15:37

Yes, yes, it's worth it when you get back home.

Matt: 15:40

Because I'll tell you why. They have a box for out of season shoes. Yeah, that's not, that's not a lifestyle I can relate to. That's outside of my tax bracket. Now my I'm sure my wife has out of season shoes. I don't know about them. I don't, I don't know about them what happens in her closet.

Eric: 15:57

I can't say I have two pairs of shoes.

Matt: 15:59

They are both new balances yeah, I, I don't have many shoes and I and people have sort of mocked me over time, but I'll tell you the secret that's deep down inside, I don't see the need. Yeah, I still don't see the need. I just bought two pairs of new running shoes, one to replace the ones currently on my feet for everyday walking, and I got a same pair so I can get them all muddied up and such doing workouts and not have to worry about cleaning them to go outside. And that is a big step for me and that's a major power move.

Matt: 16:31

Traditionally, I have one pair of sneakers and then dress shoes, and I'm only now expanding that. That's. That's about where I live. We haven't found something yet that we very much disagree on, besides the general use of wallpaper, which I am in general against. Yeah, I respect that.

Eric: 16:48

We'll see we're doing a bad job, though well, matt, we can't help that we both have good taste here's, here's one of these hands, these mannequin hands, but it's pride oh, it's a pride hand.

Matt: 17:00

Well, don't stick up the middle finger after I say that it's gonna do a peace sign.

Eric: 17:05

Now it just looks like jesus hand, like like doing, like he's like consecrating this yeah, like in those, yes, I know in the portraits, where it looks like is gonna lose her mind this is. This is incredible.

Matt: 17:18

Um, we will. I'll tell you what listeners. You'll know about this already, because I think when we leave, eric, we film ourselves in these hats to say we came, we saw we come.

Eric: 17:32

I hate this bathroom. Do you like this wallpaper? No, this is tile. This is weird. This just feels like hazard. This is a nightmare.

Matt: 17:44

This is tile. I feel like I'm in. Oh, I kind of love it. So we're both standing in a shower now, yeah, and we're both in a shower with a glass door and I feel like I'm in prison. But the walls, the tiles say I'm on psychedelics.

Eric: 18:00

Yes, that's why I love the tile, the pattern, now that I know it's tile, not wallpaper. But can we talk about this thing?

Matt: 18:08

This divider is so heinous.

Eric: 18:10

Because if this divider comes two thirds of the way to the wall, so you have a third. You have maybe a foot and a half to get in and out of the shower, but also if I'm standing here and the water is on, it's all going into the bathroom.

Matt: 18:23

This is stopping nothing. You've been in hotels with this half-wall thing. I don't know who they make it for and I know I'm a bit of a messy person, but to your point, how is the whole floor not flooded out?

Eric: 18:36

there Every time, every time, and height-wise. For me, if I'm sitting here washing my hair, it's all splash, bouncing over the thing.

Matt: 18:43

Well, first of all, you are taller than the shower head in general, and I imagine that's a problem you run into with regular Every day in my life.

Eric: 18:50

Yes, it's why I love going to nice hotels, because they have the very high up shower thing and I'm like, oh, this is what it's like.

Matt: 18:56

Well, they got to account for freaks such as yourself. This is true, this is true. Okay, now this bedroom that we're entering, tranquil Morning Light Sanctuary by Ricardo and Jenny, is what it says. I didn't know.

Eric: 19:11

They had names on them, so this is the upholstered bed frame, the two fjord Euphoric Bed company. I will tell you this, having bought one and slept on one in the past Ikea mattresses not bad, no, not bad we had an Ikea mattresses.

Matt: 19:23

not bad, no, not bad. We had an Ikea mattress for a long time.

Eric: 19:24

Their foam mattresses are they do the job.

Matt: 19:26

They do the job Once. Let me tell you a quick Ikea story. Once we came here with some roommates and this was in the age of Vine, and the person I was here wanted to film a Vine. So we were in a bed like this together. We were lying down and I forget what the dumb joke was, because then a stranger jumped across us to be filmed in our little vine.

Eric: 19:50

It was the strangest thing that's ever occurred to me like when you say jumped across you, yeah, like you were laying like I'm.

Matt: 19:59

The two of us were laying down making some dumb joke like was laying across human forms. That's a fight on sight. Yeah, that's a fight on sight. It was very startling and I'm going to save this for a future cold open, but I had a similar encounter with someone recently.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 20:15

Ooh, no.

Matt: 20:16

It's a teaser for what is traditionally the teaser of our show.

Eric: 20:20

Matt, can I take you on a date real quick?

Matt: 20:21

Yeah sure, Do you want to sit in these little B-stroke chairs?

Eric: 20:26

Oh, my God. Okay, but before we even do that, we need to get a picture of me and you talking.

Matt: 20:38

Yes, that's us talking through the window there. All right, I'm coming back. I look horrendous in this photo, but I'm not going back for it.

Eric: 20:46

So right now we're in this little alley, yeah, outside of 301 Hallmark Drive, yeah, yeah.

Matt: 20:54

Oh, should we answer a question? Oh, let's answer a question. What do you got?

Eric: 20:58

Let's see, okay, invent an innovative new piece of furniture and give it a classic Ikea name, like a camp couch or a bookshelf fridge. That's from Amy Sanko Coffee Face. Nice Well done, Amy.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 21:12

Thank you, Amy.

Eric: 21:13

I'm just going to start freeform jazzing. Go for it. We're going to Ottoman fridge. Ottoman fridge, you crack it open. Soft drinks Ready to go Beverages beverages like lined up horizontally so you just read it over reach in grab a bevy.

Matt: 21:31

I don't hate it.

Eric: 21:32

I don't hate it because you're not so you're talking about an upholstered appliance, though, yeah that's, it's gonna, it's gonna, it's gonna have, it's gonna be a bolster. You have to make sure it stays closed and you do not like keep drinks in it just just put like canned and bott. Keep drinks in it. Just put canned and bottled drinks in it. Don't put meat. Don't put meat. Don't wrap up leftovers and keep them in there.

Matt: 21:54

What would be the funniest thing to pull out of there when you're with someone who doesn't yet realize it's a fridge? Oh man, how would you plug?

Eric: 22:04

it in.

Matt: 22:05

Would you need an outlet on the? Floor it would need an outlet in your body. You'd have to conceal that wire.

Eric: 22:13

It would be a long wire.

Matt: 22:14

It would be a long wire.

Eric: 22:17

But you wouldn't be wanting to move it much. It would be very heavy. Oh yes, fixed almost. I'd call it the Fjordrest, the Fjordrest, the.

Matt: 22:29

Fjordrest. What do you think I'm going to look for? I'm going to do a Google Translate real quick for a Swedish translator Comfy Cold, comfy Cold, comfy Cold. That translates to a skunk call. There it is.

Eric: 22:48

Skunk call, skunk call, skunk call. Hey babe, did you get me a Coke out of the skunk call?

Matt: 22:55

Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, I'm going to have to go down to the basement skunk call.

Eric: 22:57

Hey babe, do we have any more Izzy's in the skunk call?

Matt: 23:00

Skunk call, oh man Jump call oh man, that's good, that's good, I like an ottoman fridge.

Eric: 23:04

Ottoman fridge. How about you? What do you?

Matt: 23:06

got. I want them to make a, because I feel like they're approaching this tier. I want them to make the option of a bookcase door, a hidden door Like it presents as a bookcase. Bookcase forward yes.

Eric: 23:24

And then bookcase presenting Actual bookcase. It's a door, but it's a hidden door in a bookcase.

Matt: 23:30

And you have the options to have it just like that and do the rest yourself. Like exterior lever.

Eric: 23:35

I want that for the world Exterior level. You got it.

Matt: 23:40

Or the upgrade is the book lever can come pre-installed.

Eric: 23:45

Oh, the upgrade is the book lever can come pre-installed. Oh, and I'm sure if you send them an image or something, they'll make it look like whatever book you want.

Matt: 23:52

Whatever book is in that lineup. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 23:56

That's what I would like, so good, what would we call it? Are you going?

Matt: 23:59

to do my version yeah yeah, I'm going to.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 24:04

English to Swedish.

Eric: 24:07

I'm thinking readable door, readable door, yeah, readable door, story door, story door. Oh wait, wait wait. Plot door, plot door, that's good, eric, plot door, eric, plot hinge, plot hinge, plot hinge, just plot. Okay, plot hinge, plot hinge, that's it. Plot hinge, plot hinge, just plot. Okay, plot hinge. Tumped gun-yam, that's it. Tumped gun-yam, tumped gun-yam. Yeah, who left a tumped gun-yam open? Han Cat's going to get out Strudel will get out.

Eric: 24:44

Could you imagine slamming that in an argument? Kafka goes flying. Not only do you look like an immature asshole, you now have to clean up a bunch of books. You have to clean up a bunch of books and anything else you put on the bookcase.

Matt: 24:58

Shall we take our Ikea bucket hats and continue on.

Eric: 25:01

Yes, here we are, bucket hat in hand, bucket hat in hand, visa, visa A generation.

Matt: 25:09

This bathtub. You like that bathtub?

Eric: 25:13

Matt, let me make a couple things clear. One, that bathtub is ugly, okay, yes, but two, that bathtub fits my body in it. No, it doesn't. Uh, bud, I can't stretch To be sure to be clear.

Matt: 25:27

I am not daring you to get into this I don't encourage what you're doing.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 25:31

Okay, well, I get in trouble. What if I need to know I?

Eric: 25:33

fit.

Matt: 25:34

All right, all right, go for it. I give you my blessing, yeah.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 25:38

Oh, Matt gave me permission to get in trouble.

Matt: 25:41

So you very much don't fit.

Eric: 25:43

I'd say no, but like when I say fit, we're working with degrees of success here, You're comfortable, more so than in any other bathtub. I will encounter.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 25:53

Look at you Because this thing is significantly bigger than standard bathtubs.

Eric: 25:56

You are not comfortably cross-legged in this tub, oh no, but this is like the height. It's the height, it's the fact that I can like get, because most standard bathtubs man.

Matt: 26:06

It's like I'm like the faucet which you have for some reason chosen to sit under which I think is cool.

Eric: 26:12

Yeah, I want it cascading on my body.

Matt: 26:14

That's what I'm saying.

Eric: 26:15

It's freakishly high just like, which I love. If I get thirsty in the middle, I can just turn it like it's like a drink spigot. There's the guy with the blue hair.

Matt: 26:27

No one's got to die today.

Eric: 26:28

This is a soldier's closet we are who apparently fought in the Gulf conflict. There is, there are combat fatigues, but for what? I don't think this. I think this is Swedish army. It has to be. Because this is not standard American.

Matt: 26:44

They didn't slap an American flag all over it. That's how you know it's not us. Yeah.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 26:49

Meh.

Matt: 26:50

I know it's not us Meh.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 26:51

I give it a meh.

Matt: 26:52

I give this one a meh To be, honest, I give this whole room set a meh.

Eric: 26:54

This whole room set is for people who have good taste but don't know what they like.

Matt: 27:00

Eric, that's the most profound thing I think I've ever heard. Yeah, now this is very stylish under a bunker. That is cool. This is you've bought a tiny home as a kid that was my dream then, ten years too late, yeah. Well, I feel like the tiny home bubble is finally bursting.

Eric: 27:20

You don't say I think so. You're like a tiny house market collapse oh, I hope so yeah, because you have a bingo square.

Matt: 27:29

Oh, I've got a bingo square for that one. And, as I discussed during that and I don't really care if you disagree or not I'm very anti-tiny house. I think it's, I don't think it's thrifty, I don't think it's accomplishing anything sort of like striking back against the man. I think it is a casualty of our capitalist society.

Eric: 27:54

I will also say this it's a concession If you can afford a tiny house, you're not the person who needs one. Yeah, because it's really like, hey, it's not like, oh, I can't afford a house, so I can afford the next best thing. People with tiny house money has house money.

Matt: 28:11

They have an exuberant amount of money they can afford to take the risk on this. You want another tiny house house support? What Government-supplied tiny houses for the homeless?

Eric: 28:21

okay, this is what we're talking about in IKEA now.

Matt: 28:24

IKEA partnership idea Eric look up, there's a cat balloon stuck on the ceiling. Partnership idea eric. Look up, there's a cat balloon stuck on the ceiling, oh wow hang in there, baby, oh man does it say that it doesn't?

Eric: 28:35

say that no, I wish it did, oh, but it does have a little. It has a little sign says cue the cat fetty cute.

Matt: 28:39

What if it's eric? It's waiting for the eclipse. It's, it's gonna open, it's gonna open like the rapture ikea. Ikea knows what's up when we get to the marketplace. I think you've forgotten about this, but I've definitely shared what's my favorite bit to do. Oh, I do remember and I'm definitely doing it. I'm excited All right now we've got are these bears in astronaut suits?

Matt as Werner Herzog: 29:04

Little bears in astronaut suits.

Matt: 29:09

This is hard. Not to buy Little bears in astronaut suits.

Eric: 29:10

This is hard not to buy Little bears in astronaut suits.

Matt: 29:13

It's an Astons Ralf.

Eric: 29:15

Oh, they got a little cat.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 29:21

Oh, what is this, though? What is?

Eric: 29:23

Is this a?

Matt: 29:23

little bunny with one tooth. Come on, that's so cute that's adorable.

Eric: 29:28

Stinking cute is what it is, that's adorable.

Matt: 29:32

All right, now we're definitely in the children's section. I don't think we're going to run into those cabinets here, no, so we're going to have to go off of a picture. Yeah, we're going to have to go off a picture of the scrubby, but this is where we kids section. What was it called? Maybe this is it right here, the Devon, this is an Eldfluga and it's basically that cover up for the baby carriage that you were looking at earlier, but it's for the whole bed.

Eric: 29:59

Yeah, you can turn the child off, you can turn the whole child off.

Matt: 30:02

You just yell off. You're like no For turning the baby off. Before Now it's turning the baby off. Before now it's turning the child off. Yep, look at these fun rugs. What's that? A hedgehog? Oh, what is that? Oh, it is a hedgehog and then you got like a richard scary rug. They have the classic dude love.

Eric: 30:21

This is the classic alibi yeah oh yeah, this one's depressing.

Matt: 30:27

It definitely looks like we're looking for a rug for our adoptive child.

Eric: 30:31

Yes, that's 100% what this looks like right now, and I don't honestly donate it. Donate it. I think we'd provide the best life imaginable for our adoptive kid.

Matt: 30:40

All right. Well, I don't know about that. I mean we would try. Could you imagine, Eric, I'll say this about us.

Eric: 30:49

We, eric, I'll say this about us we would try, we would try, and our kid would be so funny.

Matt: 30:50

Oh, our kid would be so funny, our kid, and would need a psychiatrist by 10.

Eric: 30:53

Because the kid's like our kid would be 10 years old and would be like dog, like I'm. None of these kids are at my level.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 31:00

None of these kids are at my level.

Eric: 31:02

Our kid's out here doing high comedy. I'm too funny. Some commedia, some Comedia dell'arte, and then nothing.

Matt: 31:09

Ooh, look at this knockoff, bria. Oh, here it is, eric, here's the tunnel.

Eric: 31:15

There it is Okay. Most create the.

Matt: 31:16

Divagmas, let's just confirm that it is a Divagmas and it is.

Eric: 31:18

It is a Divagmas we have found the Divagmas. Most creative uses Um.

Matt: 31:25

In a pinch. You could use it at a construction site to dump things out the window, like in Home Alone 2.

Eric: 31:31

I was always jealous of those two. I always thought those were the coolest thing. I always wanted one.

Matt: 31:35

But in reality, it's for getting asbestos out of your home.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 31:38

Yeah, yeah.

Eric: 31:43

I could tell you what I, Eric Poach, would use this for in my life. This would just become a toy for my cat. She loved Tunnel.

Matt: 31:51

She loved Tun Sure. I think that's a good use of it. Yeah, what would we as adults use these tunnels for? The cat option is good, Dog option very good.

Eric: 32:06

I would wear one on each limb and become a sort of giant macaroni creature. Well, from a theatrical perspective.

Matt: 32:12

Ikea is a gold mine for costume pieces. I think we can agree on that, yes, yeah, if you needed some large creature for a.

Eric: 32:22

Matt, you can get a UFO house for your little guy Baby. No, no, you put the baby in the UFO For the little UFO creatures.

Matt: 32:35

Now, I was here with my parents during Lindsay's graduation party in which I didn't know it at the time, but my parents were midway through giving me COVID and I was going to pick out. My nephew was here for Lindsay's dissertation graduation, I should say so me and my mom were going through here, literally picking up each stuffed animal, judging what is both the largest, mostnoxious and softest one. And here's the heart. And we found the heart. We found the heart. So, anyway, chase, this is where I got that husky for you. In fact, there is that husky. Right, there's the husky. Um, yeah, so these are very cute.

Eric: 33:15

They might have the bed near here. Let me see if they have the bed. Well, what are we going to?

Matt: 33:20

do with this heart, huh, so here's the heart. Oh, I'm giving this to Emma Stone.

Eric: 33:25

You're giving that to Emma Stone, I'm giving it to Tilda Swinton, aka Titty Swizzle.

Matt: 33:30

Did you like poor things? Have you seen poor things? Yes, I did like Poor Things. I liked Poor Things, but I wasn't as gaga over it, as everybody else no it was very enjoyable. I thought the middle section of it extremely boring, and that's saying something, considering you're just watching Emma Stone and Mark Ruffalo. I know, and you would think I never thought I'd complain about that Audiences on, but after a while and it was a great movie for me and Lindsay to watch together, and I'll tell you why.

Matt: 33:54

She loves marco ruffalo. I love emma stone. Everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins.

Eric: 33:59

We've all got something to watch, yeah yeah, yeah, but yeah, I, I loved it um willem defoe was brilliant, that's you're, you're into soccer now I am.

Matt: 34:06

I am in a soccer now you're coming over soon to watch a rexham game in about a week. I'm so excited my very first rexham game at 7 30 in the morning. Morning it is 7.30 in the morning it was moved up for police request because it's a rivalry game, a derby if you will.

Eric: 34:24

So they want it, the earlier the better.

Matt: 34:26

Yeah, because they tend to fight, they tend to get into fights.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 34:30

They tend to fight the crew, Alexandra and Wrexham fans.

Matt: 34:35

So they're just moving it up to the dead. Don't forget time difference. So we're going to have a breakfast of champions. We'll have a breakfast of champions. You're going to ask me all kinds of soccer questions.

Eric: 34:45

I can't wait. I'm going to ask you so many questions.

Matt: 34:47

I cannot wait. God, I fucking love soccer. Let's move on. That employee definitely got a full face of me saying yeah, yeah. Furious. She didn't know what to do, so she just went away.

Eric: 35:04

Oh, let's take a. Oh, we might find I see a watering can.

Matt: 35:08

I do actually need a watering can, but not this one, not the soccer. It's called a soccer Eric Soccer. We are at the point where we cross over from showroom to to marketplace. Are we ready to go downstairs to cross that rubicon? In many ways, I feel like we can't go back. So is there any any? We haven't found that cabinet and I don't think we're gonna I don't think we're right here to look let's look up the scrubby.

Eric: 35:36

Let's look up the Scrubby.

Matt: 35:37

Let's look up the.

Eric: 35:37

Scrubby, Juniper. We're so sorry we're going to have to eyeball this one. We've been looking for it, Juniper, so Scrubby. I assume the standard cabinet.

Matt: 35:46

Standard cabinet with glass doors. It's $99. And what was the question? How many Furbies could fit? How many?

Eric: 35:50

Furbies, could we fit in there? It's 27, 1 long or tall, without looking it up.

Matt: 35:56

Yeah without looking it up, how wide do you think a Furby is? I'm going to say 8 inches, 6 inches.

Eric: 36:03

Wide. I'd say a Furby is about 6 inches wide. Yeah, standard Furby, standard Furby.

Matt: 36:08

6 inches wide I'd say probably about 7 or maybe 8 inches tall.

Eric: 36:14

Are we fitting the Furbies in in display style, or as many as we can cram in there as many as we got these Furbies priced to move.

Matt: 36:23

All right. So let's look, we got maybe two front back on a shelf and then two on top of them. Does that sound doable?

Eric: 36:32

Two front back two on top.

Matt: 36:36

Like one in front of the other One, two. I don't of the other one, two. I don't think you get two. I don't think you get three in a row yeah, I don't think.

Eric: 36:43

So what about like two?

Matt: 36:45

four, six, eight, ten. If there's two rows, maybe I think you could get at least six like six rows, so 12, so 24 per shell 24 kind of double that, double that for the next shelf. So 48. 48. And that looks like another big shelf.

Eric: 37:03

Oh so 48 plus 48. Or no, sorry, another big shelf. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, so yeah, 48. I'd say that's another 48 plus 24.

Matt: 37:16

Yeah, Math him hard. Yeah, not doing well with the math, pulling out the calculator as we speak 96 plus 24. It's 120. We really should have been able to do that. We should have. We have college degrees, wow.

Eric: 37:30

I'm an engineer.

Matt: 37:32

You are an engineer. I didn't want to say that in this context. I'm not that kind of engineer. No, but you know I don't.

Eric: 37:39

ultimately, I'm a fungineer.

Matt: 37:40

I don't ultimately feel bad about it because I'll tell you why. We grew up being told you're not going to have a calculator everywhere you go. Look at those suckers there on me, right, Low and fucking behold.

Eric: 37:54

When's the last time you had to carry a one, eric? When's the last?

Matt as Werner Herzog: 37:56

time you had to carry a one.

Matt: 37:58

Eric, I don't know what you're talking about. Are you doing that? No, that was a joke, oh okay, I don't know man.

Matt: 38:03

I don't know. Now I do need. I'm a loofah boy. Wait a minute. Is this a three pack of loofahs for $4? That's not bad. They're a little small for my taste, but they are going in my bucket. I actually am going to get some loofahs for the house. Well, because something that I've turned myself on to recently is I need a loofah on a trip, so I need to bring in a 99 cent loofah on a vacation so I can just leave it behind Because I don't want to pack a wet loofah.

Matt: 38:33

I don't want a dry one Just throw it out and I'm sure I'm gonna get flack from people about it being wasteful. People gonna at you yeah well, if you're gonna at me, just consider not.

Eric: 38:46

Just consider, maybe don't. Oh, they looks like a plant pottery ahead.

Matt: 38:51

Yes, plant pottery ahead Ahoy. Even Should we get a cart, we should get a cart. Do you think we're gonna get enough to justify a car, because this is gonna make a lot of noise? No, I don't think I'm gonna get. Oh, I do need those, those pots. Hold on, what did my wife tell me to get? Because I'll tell you right now, if I do not show up with those pots, I will, she will, she will yell at me, I'll get a very strongly worded email.

Matt: 39:19

This might go into a Lindsay's Crescent Corner later, but I need an 8-inch pot and a 12-inch pot 8-inch pot and a 12-inch pot.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 39:25

That's going to be towards the end.

Matt: 39:26

That's going to be towards the end with the actual planes, because they do have actual planes Okay.

Eric: 39:37

Did we answer all the most legum piece of furniture was was the billy case or is it the?

Matt: 39:43

lack what we didn't explicitly say, but I do think a billy is mids. I mean, I did say it was entry level not even in a negative way, it is just mid. I mean, it is just like the top of the bell curve. It's standard, it's flat line, it's the mean.

Eric: 40:00

It's Mario and Mario Kart it's the mean bookcase, you know yeah. What should Ikea's mascot be?

Matt: 40:07

Well, we talked about Ikea. Ikea, oh, that was the cryptid. Yeah, but it also technically was the mascot.

Eric: 40:19

But does Ikea have a mascot? Oh, here's a crucial one. We do need that. What do the people in the Ikea instruction drawings do when they aren't there? Are they models? Are they unionized? That's from.

Matt: 40:26

Matt Sarah Feldman, or is that at Chris Anfield? You were looking at the list. That is Carissa Haffey. I thought it might be. That is one I thought it might be so at Chris, a half field, sorry.

Eric: 40:36

Their two souls are just so beautifully bonded, that is true. Where does one end and the other begin? We don't know. Their soul bond is that powerful? I'll tell you what we don't know and I don't want to find out.

Matt: 40:46

No, that is only for them to know. No, I like the mystery.

Eric: 40:52

The mystery of love. So what do the little? I do think, I think the Ikea illustrations have a strong union, because they're always Well, they're at peril all the time they're at and they're confused.

Matt: 41:02

The very first thing you see them do is scratch on their head and call for help. That's true, but they get it. They get it. They get it, they claim to. I've never called Ikea's helpline, have you? No, I didn't even know there was one. Well, that's what they're saying. You call for help assembling things. Oh, if you're confused and can't Google a YouTube video.

Eric: 41:23

That's brilliant. That's actually really nice. They only work when stuff's getting built. That's the time that's good to hang out. That's true. But then if Is it like the same people in every one? Or is it like are they a people, Are they?

Matt: 41:40

basically a nation. I think they are a nation. Speaking of nation, what do we saw about these Giflers? Yeah, I am curious. You saw them upstairs. I saw you looking at them.

Eric: 41:48

Yeah, we know it's impossible to open a bag of Giflar and only take one.

Matt: 41:53

They look like cinnamon rolls. Is this what they're? Sarah and Carissa were talking about these gift flowers. I don't think so, because they make proper like cinnamon buns down there. We are stopping by that marketplace for some delicious something-something. Oh, 100%, I'm just making sure we're on the same page. Ooh, you know, lindsay and I ate some of these downstairs, these Resgons. Oh, are these like the?

Eric: 42:17

couch tray just goes over your lap.

Matt: 42:19

It's like a little couch tray for having dinner in front of the TV. I like these trays. Which we generally don't do, but when we want to, it'd be nice to feel. Be nice, it'd be nice.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 42:32

What is this?

Matt: 42:35

Oh this, I didn't know what you were talking about. I was like it's a fake planer, it's a kettle weight, but it's a.

Eric: 42:40

It's a kettlebell pitcher.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 42:43

So now you're just adjusting. This is a pitcher.

Matt: 42:45

Yeah, this is for lemon water in a doctor's office, not to be confused with lemonade. Can you imagine? All right, you come into an office, here I am with this kettlebell. Take I'm into an office, here I am with this kettlebell. Take a picture of this thing, yeah, and then. But these are filled. Imagine these filled with lemonade. Can I offer this for you? Oh, oh yeah, that's good, that's good, it's good. You get a drink. Great, I've embarrassed myself.

Eric: 43:09

Tell you what these bowls hate. These bowls, oh, those are awful. I hate the.

Matt: 43:14

I need a deep Like take a look at the Vardera here. This is a half a ball, half a plate and I don't like it for either job.

Eric: 43:23

I hate ploles Ploles.

Matt: 43:26

I hate ploles, I hate blates, blates.

Eric: 43:31

It doesn't even sound appealing. I do, God. I'm a sucker, for like the accent rim around the the accent rim around a mug or a plate.

Matt: 43:40

Yeah, oh, do employees have a favorite hide and seek spot? I don't think we should ask an employee that.

Eric: 43:47

Hey, if.

Matt: 43:47

I wanted to hide somewhere in the store what would be the best spot. It would be the best place, but I think they must. They have to.

Eric: 43:53

Maybe some of those hideaway beds upstairs.

Matt: 43:58

So these are like now I think that's all the questions. Actually, that's all the questions, I think so. Did I miss anything?

Eric: 44:02

give it a check did we find out what the coziest ikea item is?

Matt: 44:05

we didn't, I don't think we said and now we're downstairs and I don't really want to go all the way back to the store. No, so sorry, sorry we do have.

Eric: 44:16

We do have. What's the coolest thing that hardly anyone ever buys?

Matt: 44:20

that's from unholy mole I think if we're going to find it, we will find it down here I think what is the coolest thing?

Eric: 44:26

no one ever buys. I'm sad we didn't run into one. It is the doll bed, the cat because it is the perfect size for my cat and it looks like my cat sleeping in a little cat-sized human bed. It's the best thing on earth.

Matt: 44:41

Now, this is just bedding.

Eric: 44:43

Not too much joy we can say In the apocalypse. Do you know what will be worth its weight in gold, Any piece of IKEA furniture? It has all the hardware and assembling thing.

Matt: 44:51

Absolutely right.

Eric: 44:53

When all the craftsmen are eaten.

Matt: 44:56

As they will be first, as they will first, let us eat the craftsmen are eaten, as they will be first, as they will first First. Let us eat the craftsmen and the technicians by all means, let's go ahead to the people who might be able to fix this. Yes, oh, I hate a light bulb that doesn't give off any real light. Yeah, when you can just like we are just staring at this filament, no problem.

Eric: 45:15

Yeah, that's an issue. Man, they're really going all in on the whole crappy light bulb. Yeah, there's too many A lot of Edison bulbs. Okay, now we are Edison bulbs, I've cooled on significantly. Yeah, as has most polite society. Yes, indeed, they have their place.

Matt: 45:33

No, it's pretty much LED all the way down now. Yeah, this is a dead end over here. We're in the rug department, we're in the faux animal.

Eric: 45:41

Is this actual cowhide? Uh, I think it is cowhide yeah, this is, oh man, this is real cowhide. There are several cows in front pour one out for the tourists in your life all dead the cows.

Matt: 45:53

Not to that to actual tourists.

Eric: 45:54

Not the tourists, is it, I assume? Oh man, we've been carrying the coolest item you can buy at Ikea the bucket hat the what oh my. God, eric, we've had it with us.

Matt: 46:06

The answer was in the palm of our hands, quite literally.

Eric: 46:09

We are, I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines that's the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Matt: 46:12

We are now walking around with bucket hats open and they are both filled with loofahs.

Eric: 46:17

It looks like we're offering loofahs to people. We look like we're doing a bit.

Matt: 46:22

But we didn't even know the bit did us the bit did us the bit did us. Ooh, now we're into lighting. Now Lindsay and I do need lots of lamps. I was told not to really buy stuff other than the stuff Lindsay told me to get. But you know again wedding ring off right now. Yeah, wedding ring off.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 46:43

Right now, you're with me now.

Matt: 46:44

If I want to buy for our home, you and I For our child, if I need a dish A dish.

Eric: 46:51

I'll be like baby, go buy that dish, get that dish, ugh.

Matt: 46:56

Hate, oh God, oh hate the non-bomb.

Eric: 46:59

What is it? Just one continuous, oh, it's just one enclosed thing that is what happens when an alien like I've been abducted and they're filling my room with things that make me feel like I'm among, like I'm back and that's like they're as close as they got to a lamp.

Matt: 47:16

Yeah, call Mariska Hargitay, because that's heinous.

Eric: 47:23

Ikea.

Matt: 47:24

Stop it with the light bulbs trapped inside of wicker baskets and the wicker basket light is called a sinner lig and it is indeed a sinner it is a sinner, it is a sin. It is a sin.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 47:35

It is a sin, it is a sinner lig Behold the sin of the leg.

Matt: 47:41

See, we've got to get better over our orthography.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 47:43

Bamboo handmade material. Each lampshade is unique since it is made of bamboo with natural color variations.

Matt: 47:52

The bulb itself evokes an unattainable dream.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 48:03

itself evokes an unattainable dream, one that can be seen, one that can be perceived and yet can never be reached.

Matt: 48:05

I have to say that's not that bad. My verner's better than your burner. I think so I don't know.

Eric: 48:11

I can never get five words out without you. Not the idea? All right, go for it. It's not the IKEA, all right, go for it.

Matt: 48:16

Five words. Go for it.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 48:23

Gives a soft glowing light that gives your home a warm and welcoming atmosphere.

Matt: 48:31

But what is atmosphere without the human connection? To feel those words? I told you you're going.

Eric: 48:32

Christoph Waltz on this. I know, but you've got to dip a little, christoph. They're both German, they're both from the.

Matt: 48:37

I don't think you have the pain that Werner Herzog evokes in all of his speeches the weariness the weariness of having experienced the world as Werner Herzog. I want you to know listeners, while we have been saying this whole bit, we have just been staring at the center leg display.

Eric: 49:00

And there were people standing around us. They have now vacated the area.

Matt: 49:04

There were many people around us. I feel like also looking at the center legs all gone, we've chased them all away. How do you feel about the library lamps, these little guys?

Eric: 49:17

These guys, yeah, who are they for?

Matt: 49:20

I feel like you put them over like a painting.

Eric: 49:23

Yeah, you put them over a display piece or something.

Matt: 49:27

Like look at my pristine Van Gogh Van, gogh, yeah, I feel like at some point in my life we decided to change how we said Van Gogh's name.

Eric: 49:39

Growing up it was Van Gogh and everyone knew that it was Van.

Matt: 49:41

Gogh. Now, maybe that's my own bias and privilege, and maybe that is how you say his name.

Eric: 49:48

All kinds of, like pink and purple, the color changing LEDs, that's cool.

Matt: 49:53

Maybe it's a Steve Buscemi situation where everyone has agreed to say Steve Buscemi, even though he acknowledges that I believe his name is Steve Buscemi.

Eric: 50:05

That is actually how it's pronounced.

Matt: 50:06

That's how it's actually meant to be pronounced, but he, too, has been. Like. I'm Steve Buscemi, matt, give me your thoughts. Okay, what we're looking at, folks, is the IKEA PS 2014. It didn't even get a cute name the oddest IKEA name I've ever seen and it might be the oddest IKEA item. So wait a minute. So it's like a lamp that breaks apart.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 50:29

Does this move? Oh does it.

Matt: 50:31

Wait, do we control this? How? No, it's got a. I think it does breaks.

Eric: 50:41

Okay, this is in fact now the coolest. Okay, this is the coolest, this new, new, coolest thing. Yeah, yeah, we'll just get a little animation of this uh, here I'll do a quick video.

Matt: 50:52

Go for it. Oh my god, it's apart.

Eric: 50:55

It reminds me of worlds being exploded, or like Tony Stark going through his files, that's pretty cool.

Matt: 51:05

So the Ikea PS14 is now in the conversation for coolest thing. That is pretty badass. I'll tell you what is not the Cinder League. The Cinder League.

Eric: 51:14

I'll tell you that by no means.

Matt: 51:20

Oh, we've entered the art department.

Eric: 51:21

Huh, we've entered the art department we are in the, where most hotels come to get their absolutely, but you know what I?

Matt: 51:31

don't. I don't rule out some sometimes ikea's stock shit is nice yeah, let's be clear what we're here, where you're actually buying.

Eric: 51:38

You're buying a frame. Yeah, you're buying a frame and they're like here's what we put inside of it for you Sometimes there's canvas prints that are in there I'm getting the sense that you wouldn't support that. Ooh, I do like all these greens happening Very spring.

Matt: 51:52

Subject change okay, all Alright, we're coming up on the bit, eric. Oh, we are coming up on the bit we are coming up on the bit You're going to commit to the bit. Hold on, I want to make sure they're there first. Yeah, because we are entering the plant section. There's a dog, there's a real dog here. Okay, they do have it. They do have it. So here's what we're going to do we all in here.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 52:18

Okay, they do have it. They do have it. So here's what we're going to do.

Matt: 52:19

We've got to back up a little bit. Let's get a Wait for an audience to gather over here. So we're going to do a wide circle and we're going to come up to it.

Eric: 52:28

Okay, and what is my line? Do I have one, Eric?

Matt: 52:30

I'm trusting you to go with this.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 52:32

Okay.

Matt: 52:33

Okay, okay, oh Okay, oh, babe, they got the vase with the sticks, vase full of sticks.

Eric: 52:41

Ugh.

Matt: 52:41

Holy. Do we need another?

Eric: 52:44

I think we do for the den, for the den.

Matt: 52:47

I was thinking more for the parlor. Oh, you could just. They just sell the sticks, just a bundle of them that didn't attract nearly the attention it deserved. Frankly, we projected for these people. You all got that for free. You got it for free. Most audiences charge or are charged, just just so everyone listening is clear, I am yelling at a marketplace in real time. He is he, okay, he is rebuking and we have just now reached the pots. So I I actually if you've ever seen these pots, so we can't get kicked out now.

Eric: 53:40

If you've ever seen a little play by the name of Enemy of the People, that's what.

Matt: 53:44

Matt's going through right now. I will be going to see it shortly, that's good. See our friend Matt Jeffers on Broadway. Yes, jeffers, yes, very excited Next month. Buddy, if you're listening, by the way, love to have you on the show, love to have you on the show.

Eric: 54:00

Jeffers Also, I miss my friend.

Matt: 54:01

Yes, he's good people and an incredible actor, Both of which we have shared the stage with him in the show. We should be so lucky. Okay, so this is a seven and a half white pot. And what sizes are you looking for? Tell you what? I think it's eight and 12. Eight you looking for? Tell you what? I think it's 8 and 12. 8 and 12?. I'll tell you why the vase with the sticks bit didn't work as well as it has in the past for me, why there weren't enough husbands around.

Eric: 54:24

There weren't enough husbands. Or, to put it another way, there weren't enough beleaguered spouses who would rather not be here right now, correct?

Matt: 54:37

My target audience.

Eric: 54:38

That's not limited to husbands. Yes, that's true. Many people hate shopping.

Matt: 54:45

Let's see, I loathe it. Not with you, though I love shopping with you. This is a 9.5?.

Eric: 54:52

I keep seeing so many. This is not 9.5.

Matt: 54:55

What's needed is an 8. Well, here is an 8.2.

Eric: 54:59

That's the closest you get. Well, here is an 8.2. That's maybe the closest you get?

Matt: 55:01

Oh, that's liter. Yeah, that's not even inches. Hold on, we better tell you what we better do. Yeah, we better get Lindsey on the hotline. We better get Lindsey on the hotline. Lindsey's going to be on the show Bree. Hello, all right, lindsey, we got a problem. Oh, lindsay's going to be on the show Brie. Hello, all right, lindsay, we've got a problem. Oh God, they don't seem to have an 8-inch or a 12-inch pot. They've got random sizes. Poach, back me up.

Eric: 55:26

Yeah, the closest I was able to find was like there's like a 9-3-quarter and a 7-1-1-2.

Matt: 55:31

And I said that won't work.

Eric: 55:40

That's not what I require them so much as what the plants require. Well, aim it on the plants.

Matt: 55:43

Nice, okay, so should I get yeah, absolutely. Should I get a mist-sized plant term? What size plant not? Not correct should we?

Eric: 55:54

should we ballpark it?

Matt: 55:56

Yes, I think perhaps get the things that are as close as possible without going over.

Eric: 56:03

Ooh, price is right. Seven and a half oh, we got you there. Price is right.

Matt: 56:06

All right, we'll price is right, it oh we'll price is right and I'll come back with something. What else are you bringing me? What else do you want? You told me not to buy things. Well, I think you could stand, keep in mind, you're being recorded. I think you could stand to bring me like chocolate or something. Don't you think You're breaking up?

Eric: 56:26

Gotta go she thinks she makes a very good point.

Matt: 56:28

Can't hear you. Goodbye, um, alright, so I don't know what happened. Technical difficulties Technical difficulties.

Eric: 56:33

You've got to get her chocolate. Yeah, I'm going to get her chocolate. In what world are you not getting her?

Matt: 56:38

chocolate. She knows I was going to do that anyway. All right, so she told us to ballpark it, so. So there's a seven and a half over here, but this guy being 10 and a quarter for a 12-incher. That's not enough.

Eric: 56:53

But you said as close as you can without going over.

Matt: 57:02

You can without going over, alright. So I think, eric, that ends the journey.

Eric: 57:06

I think really At long last bucket hats in hand and loofahs in bucket hats.

Matt: 57:11

So we are leaving right now. I've got two. You don't have anything other than the bucket hat. Didn't you say you needed a plant bucket or something? I was like oh right Crap. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

Matt: 57:24

Thank you for reminding me, because if we got to get a card, I can get a card. This will do you sure? Yeah, oh, that was easy. Yeah, all right. Are we ready to head towards checkout? Yeah, oh, that was easy. Yeah, all right. Are we ready to head towards checkout? Yeah, going to have to grab a couple of Ikea bags for sure. We should be so lucky they're going to make them in a half.

Eric: 57:46

What are these plants? Hold on, I'm intrigued by plants.

Matt: 57:50

Yeah, no, be intrigued.

Eric: 57:51

Where is checkout?

Matt: 57:52

Checkout is through the warehouse.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 57:54

Oh, yeah're right.

Eric: 57:55

This is where they.

Matt: 57:56

Oh, that's a trash. Can? I thought it was more vases out here? Matt was ready to swing, I was ready to swing this terracotta, right at it. I'll tell you what Eric, this mom over here dressed like Han Solo, has eyeballed us several times throughout our journey. Hell, yeah, I'm not sure if she's on to us. Where is she? She was over there, she passed us. She had the classic, you know white long sleeve, black vest pitch. Yes, shot first, she shot first.

Eric: 58:34

Yeah, home stretch, folks, if you've stuck with us this long For this entire saga. Yes, looking for something called princess should I get meatballs oh, there's different brands of that sort of almond chocolate cake, sweet shong okay, that's the cake that they had.

Matt: 58:50

Yeah, the uh, diem, diem, diem. Okay, you know what these little cinnamon like, like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to grab a pack. Yeah, I'm going to grab a pack as well. We've seen them too much. I feel like I have to have them. Let's see.

Eric: 59:10

Hold on, let me look up.

Matt: 59:13

You're checking with Alyssa on what you need.

Eric: 59:16

Apparently they discontinued them. Oh no, I know dog. Well, I got a cinnamon rolls.

Matt: 59:24

You got the cinnamon rolls.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 59:25

That's something.

Matt: 59:26

Yeah, now we got to come start. Oh, you know what? We haven't checked out the as-is section. Well, it's over there. Do you want to check out?

Eric: 59:34

as-is or no, let's check out as-is.

Matt: 59:37

Oh, Eric, we got an as-is Marabo for $6.24.

Eric: 59:43

$6.24. Now do they tell you what's as-so-is about it?

Matt: 59:50

I don't believe they do. I believe it's as-is.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 59:53

Okay.

Eric: 59:54

Okay, it is what it is, yeah.

Matt: 1:00:02

Is what I think the as as is section tries to convey. These chairs are all heinous as well. I think they look like pillows stapled to sticks. I think that's exactly what it is. It's depressing. All right, should we get in?

Eric: 1:00:11

just let's this chaos, let's get in this, in this mother, mother, freaking line so soon, soon, it will be time for us to log off here.

Matt: 1:00:22

Of course we're going to go to this cafe here get something oh yeah.

Eric: 1:00:24

I'm getting a soft serve. I don't care, I need it If they have it. I need a coffee.

Matt: 1:00:29

It is my coffee time. God, I need a coffee. I might have one when I get home. So how do we end?

Eric: 1:00:35

What did we learn?

Matt: 1:00:41

What did we learn? What did we? We? We share a lot of tastes in furnishing we didn't pick something that we're diametrically opposed.

Eric: 1:00:44

The closest we got to we agree on too much.

Matt: 1:00:45

We agree on too much.

Eric: 1:00:46

But yeah, we do disagree on things yeah, but it's, but it's like always whenever, whenever we disagree on something, I feel like the other can absolutely see why the the other person wants like, like, like. Oh, I see why that works for you. Yeah, like the wallpaper situation.

Matt: 1:01:02

I'm not about that wallpaper, but you Me, I would like. Oh, it looks like we got an open section. Let me get my stuff here. So here's your tray. Where's the little scanner?

Eric: 1:01:21

There we go. This Ikea bucket hat greatest thing I will purchase in 2000.

Matt: 1:01:27

Now that we've purchased them. Should we wear them out?

Eric: 1:01:31

100%.

Matt: 1:01:35

All right, so one last stop, eric. I think we get some fountain drinks or something. Well, eric, here's your coffee, thank God. Well, I think there's some semblance of a line situation.

Eric: 1:01:50

Yeah, I don't know what's going on right now.

Matt: 1:01:54

We don't. I mean, how bad do you need this coffee from my kid? Not that bad, Then why? Don't we skadoodle. Yeah, you need this coffee for my kid. No, not that bad. Then why don't we skadoodle? Yeah, let's skadoodle. We cancel the plan, we, we. It's a bit too long of a line. A bit too long of a line, but I did want that soft serve very badly.

Eric: 1:02:08

Oh yeah, for sure, for sure, I do what I am gonna do, though there's a bathroom over there and I'm gonna make. I'm gonna give it one more, one more go college.

Matt: 1:02:18

Try okay here. Why don't you go ahead and hit stop recording?

Eric: 1:02:30

so this angel, yeah, this perfect man, yeah, the perfect man who doesn't exist, just got me an ice cream. I did and a coffee.

Matt: 1:02:40

Full disclosure. You went to the bathroom. Yeah, I decided in that moment I'm going to get you an ice cream and a coffee. You're a sweetie. My boy wants an ice cream and a coffee. He gets it, you're a sweetie. So I went in the line and now I'm out of the line You're the sweetest heart and we should be relatively soon.

Eric: 1:03:00

I feel like any moment.

Matt: 1:03:01

Well, we're 373, they just did 372. So, eric, this has been our IKEA experience. Yeah, how would you sum it up?

Eric: 1:03:08

The way I would sum it up. Ikea has shown me, and is trying to show the world, what we could be if we all just got on the same page. You know what I mean. Everything from from the, from from the time I walked into ikea to the time I'm leaving. Every design decision, every the, the flow of the room, spaces, the design of the. It says one thing to me we are on the same page. We know what we're about.

Matt: 1:03:44

And what is the page?

Eric: 1:03:45

That's where you lose it. See, that's the thing, the page. It doesn't matter what page you're on, so long as you're all on it.

Matt: 1:03:54

Very nice, that's us. Thank you so much.

Eric: 1:03:58

Guard the cart, while my hero there goes my hero.

Matt: 1:04:04

Why don't you take that?

Eric: 1:04:06

Watch him with ice cream.

Matt: 1:04:08

Do you need me to hold that while you get your coffee?

Eric: 1:04:10

Yes, In fact I do, I got you.

Matt: 1:04:14

Thank you, Damn. I'll tell you what Eric's getting his coffee right now With. Thank you, Damn. I'll tell you what Eric's getting his coffee right now With this soft serve frozen yogurt. It's hitting the spot. There's cream over here.

Eric: 1:04:25

It doesn't look like it. After a hard day of Ikea, get some sugar in that coffee.

Matt: 1:04:31

He's taking a sweet time with this coffee.

Eric: 1:04:35

He's talking about something over there. I don't trust it, but I'm going to go with it. I'm going to roll with it because the man got me coffee. The man got me ice cream. He's just looking at me and shaking his head. What are you doing, seductively, eating that ice cream? I'm going to ask a question. Excuse me, is there a creamer or?

Matt: 1:04:53

anything for the coffee.

Eric: 1:04:59

The following dialogue I want you to know listener happened about 15 feet from each of us.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 1:05:06

Nazi no.

Matt: 1:05:07

Or I should say the preceding dialogue.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 1:05:09

Am I missing?

Matt: 1:05:09

something. Oh God, eric, oh, we have to help him now.

Eric: 1:05:14

Oh, my God, you know what. Every time I looked at this, I was like oh, they got half tea half lemonade over here. I apologize for him. Yeah, Matt, just had to apologize for me Because the half and half dispenser for the coffee I thought was dispensing. Like Arnold Palmer, she gave you a look too bud and like truly, truly. Could we have called this an episode without me embarrassing you at least once?

Matt as Werner Herzog: 1:05:45

Sure couldn't.

Matt: 1:05:48

I'll tell you what this is hitting the spot though.

Eric: 1:05:50

Man, you destroyed that ice cream.

Matt: 1:05:52

Eric, honestly, if I'm being generous, you took forever just now, I did take a long time.

Eric: 1:05:59

So what else do we have to say? Bless Sweden, bless Sweden. They're a gift onto this country. We do not deserve them.

Matt: 1:06:07

So do we end here before we go out to the car, or do we end out in the car? What do you think?

Eric: 1:06:12

I think we end it here. We end it while the magic's still alive, during the magic.

Matt: 1:06:17

And that's assuming they don't think the magic wore out about 45 minutes ago. Yeah, now listeners, we do need your questions.

Matt as Werner Herzog: 1:06:24

Yes, we're giving them, the business in the IKEA cafe, in the IKEA in public.

Matt: 1:06:29

Yes, so do send them to us. You didn't ask for this at gmailcom, that's all spelled out. Or you didn't ask pod, that's the letter. Pod, that's the letter. U didn't ask pod on Instagram, twitter, facebook, etc. Yeah, this is our 89th episode, which means next time, eric, we're in the big run-up to number 100.

Eric: 1:06:47

100, baby. It's approaching.

Matt: 1:06:50

It's nuts, it's nuts. So, from all of us here, I think that'll about do it. Yeah, I think that'll about do it. So, from all of us here at U didn't ask for this ikea. Uh, in sweden, my name is matt. Check my name is eric poach.

Eric: 1:07:05

And listen, you didn't ask, but, gang, we really need to make the butt the ikea bucket hats like a thing. So if we could just like use our clout right now, everyone go to your local IKEA, buy the bucket hat, buy the bucket hat. This will be a hot item come 2028.

Matt: 1:07:25

Yeah, it'll end up in an antique shop fairly soon and then you will be able to sell it for a pretty penny. And that reminds me, eric, quick, play out for you that I think you'll laugh at. We'll see, we'll find out. So with my parents in an old, delicate city here in Maryland, window shopping, going store to store, they got lots of little shops. There's a little antique shop we went in. Me and my dad were stopped by something right in the front door, right. So we're looking at this and a guy walks by and goes oh look, they got tchotchkes, would you describe an antiques. And I said to my dad I guess he's not wrong, but he is out of line, I'll hit you with this.

Eric: 1:08:16

You. Let me know if this is funny. Okay, alyssa and I, last year we were getting this is the longest play out we've ever done. We were getting a snowball in Dundalk. We're standing in line and behind us this is actually a nice little bookend to my yo-yo cold open from earlier, nice. So we're in line getting a snowball. There's two guys behind us. One dude is shirtless. He's like looks like late 30s, early 40s. He is playing with a yo-yo. He accidentally drops it, it hits the ground and it breaks and he says, and I quote exact intonation oh my yo-yo you.