One of our nearest, dearest, and neatest podcast friends joins us for this episode: The Neatcast! Mike, Zack, and the spirit of Jer stop by to pepper us with some questions including: are beverages snacks? What are the best and worst replacements for rain? What quest would you assign to your best friend? Plus an actual math problem you can help us solve...if you so dare.
Here is The Neatcast episode in which Mike details Zack's surprise stalking - er - visit.
Submit your least pressing questions, local legends, definitive rankings, neighborhood group drama, and whatever else you want us to cover at youdidntaskforthis@gmail.com or @udidntaskpod on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
You can also leave us a voicemail on The Thoughtline at (410) 929-5329 and we might just play it on the show!
One of our nearest, dearest, and neatest podcast friends joins us for this episode: The Neatcast! Mike, Zack, and the spirit of Jer stop by to pepper us with some questions including: are beverages snacks? What are the best and worst replacements for rain? What quest would you assign to your best friend? Plus an actual math problem you can help us solve...if you so dare.
Here is The Neatcast episode in which Mike details Zack's surprise stalking - er - visit.
Submit your least pressing questions, local legends, definitive rankings, neighborhood group drama, and whatever else you want us to cover at youdidntaskforthis@gmail.com or @udidntaskpod on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
You can also leave us a voicemail on The Thoughtline at (410) 929-5329 and we might just play it on the show!
you know when it's like for you probably like 12 am, for me like 2 am you're laying awake very good, thank you very good, very good, very good. Matthew, you get a treat. Thank you. Laying awake and like I'm laying awake at like 2 am and you know those things you replay from your life. You know those moments yeah, I do it nightly, thinking about something you did, you said or you fucked up just real quick, before we fall asleep, I want to review every mistake.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, you've made but what I, what I, what I do think about and what does make me often laugh, because I wasn't alone in this uh-huh, the cringiest shit that theater majors would do. Okay, all right, like like you know again, if this one before you continue.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, I want, I want you to remind you you're a theater major 100.
Matt and Eric:I say this with full acknowledgement that these are my people.
Matt and Eric:All right go on and they're monsters.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, all right, continue matt picture it's, it's 8 am, I'm in my theater. Blacks, I'm ready to go you're in your theater, blacks, you're at class, it's on friday I've already cried you've already cried, like it is. You're a little but not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough for. Not good enough for that is a fun me and matt I'll beep that, yeah, yeah me and matt had different theater.
Matt and Eric:One teachers in college, uh, matt had uh, we'll call her d. I had my boy uh, we'll call him p. Now p and d had very different approaches to acting. When I went to P's class it was hello, we're going to explore and have fun Today you're going to learn how to fly.
Matt and Eric:Legitimately. One of the first things we did in his class was learn how to fly. That was an acting exercise. As I understand it, you all were, and correct me if I'm wrong here you were all in the other room while we were learning to fly and learning games of whimsy, and and and and despair about, just let that just puke that out in front of her.
Matt and Eric:That's what acting is. Meanwhile, p's over here like coming out of the gate with really wild ideas about how acting is. Just playing pretend, and we're pretending to be different people and having fun doing it, and then there's whatever the fuck d did to you. Yeah, yeah, it's true. So like we'd come floating out of our classroom, like we'd be walking on air and then we all went to the most chaotic breakfast possible yes you would.
Matt and Eric:Y'all would trudge out of that room. We had to, so so. So imagine it's 8 am, you've just come out of that class with d and you're still a little you're, you're, you just cried, you're still a little hungover. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. And that's when, like cringy theater, kid shit. That's when, like that's when it starts. We're all hanging out in the hallway, a little hallway, outside of our classrooms, and, uh, someone would just start fucking singing show tunes and you're just trying to unpack all the fucking shit and someone's, like I'll carry you, like, just like, hit whatever the latest fucking thing on broadway. Like someone's singing fucking belton wicked, and now they're in a sing-off to see who gets to be elphaba. I think about that kind of shit. I think about my, my favorite category again.
Matt and Eric:You're saying this as if you didn't participate.
Matt and Eric:No, I, I well, I, I, I, I did, I was. I've always been very self-conscious about my side. You ever seen me?
Matt and Eric:Okay, you weren't. You weren't singing show tunes, maybe, but you were doing the cringy shit.
Matt and Eric:Oh I was doing the cringy shit, I was doing all the every impression I could think of I was doing, I, I was. I was like please love and accept me, dance and like just just you had to, yeah, you had to. Just you had to, yeah, you had to. This is what theater kids think they have to do. Um, my other favorite thing, though this is the one that it was cringy then, it's cringy now and a lot of people really never stopped.
Matt and Eric:I'm listening and I'm ready to be offended.
Matt and Eric:No, no, no, no. I think you know better. I I'd hope you know better. Well, we'll find out. Find out. You're in an audition, you're sitting and they have you sat in a room in the waiting room, the green room, with all the other auditionees. Yeah, I'm fine, you're waiting to get called in so you could do your fucking monologue. Yep your back pocket if you need to. I'm too contrasting, you're too contrasting.
Zack:And then, like everyone's, just kind of sitting there, quiet, like everyone just kind of like rolled in.
Matt and Eric:Every last person got in. We're all sitting, we're all waiting, we're reading, you know, filling out form. We're doing whatever we have to do, and then someone starts warming up. Yeah, I think we've talked about this before we, we might, we might have talked about this, you're sitting there.
Matt and Eric:Everybody's socially quiet and awkward, and then somebody decides to go yeah, and then it always starts with a yawn it starts with the yawn because it starts with someone being like maybe I can disguise it as a regular yawn that has a pitch or the, and at a certain point the masks come off.
Matt and Eric:Right, yeah, and now it's everyone. It's like watching a weird insane mating ritual where we are all trying to get with the, the beautiful mate that is the production. Yes, we all become birds. We all become birds. We all start preening and fucking doing, are like like, oh, oh and like, and then someone, now someone's on the ground, fucking stretching, stretching for their monologue, yes, stretching for their fucking monologue. And I'm just gonna say this hope it's not controversial, I don't know about you I prepare for the audition in the car before.
Matt and Eric:Yes, the audition when I'm in the car and I can contain my shame now, eric I'm gonna I'm gonna double down on you so hard that I'll be the one who gets in trouble with friends. Thank, you.
Matt and Eric:That's why you're my fucking bro, go on. I'm here for you because here's the situation in. For those of you who are not an actor uh, who are not actors and haven't been in an audition room at least in a while, this does happen. What Eric's describing is true. Someone starts the yawn, Then somebody else says to themselves like oh shit, I better, oh, I got to look like I know what I love.
Matt and Eric:Their plumage gets up and they start their mating ritual by doing their stretches and whatever. And then there's a group of people who are just sitting around watching this and they are the good actors. They are the people who know what the fuck to do, because we keep our crazy to the car. If you're a professional actor and you end up in a fucking green room doing your To the car, okay, tell it to him. If you're a professional actor, say it. And you end up in a fucking green room doing your warmups and your Now listen. If it's a cattle call and you're around for eight hours, you gotta warm up again. That's fine, gotta warm up again, but you go out in the hallway.
Matt and Eric:You go out in the hallway. You go behind the fucking building. You hide your shame, you. You go behind the fucking building. You hide your shame, you hide.
Matt and Eric:You do your warm-ups. We all away from the eyes of god. We all fucking went to theater school. Okay, we all have the same goddamn warm-ups, except for mine because they're special, but everybody else has their own dumb bullshit and it's dumb and wrong and bad.
Matt and Eric:it's dumb and wrong and bad and that's why you do it in the car. That's why you do it in the car. So the only people who see you is they'll look over and they'll see me doing the hung up, hung up going 85 on the freeway and they'll be like, oh my God, he must be an actor. That man's crazy.
Matt and Eric:Get this man a role and they look over and they see me and I'm just screaming.
Matt and Eric:I'm just screaming as loud as I can which, again, I I think you should choose a different monologue, but no, it's true, it's true.
Matt and Eric:This is a cringy thing and I do want to distance myself from I do want to, and all my all, all for eons from now, when young actors are listening to this, when we have become a cultural phenomenon, if you were a young actor, please heed our words. Don't do that. And listen. I mean it has.
Matt and Eric:It has real no bearing on it like it's, it's, it's sad, and listen I I know there's lots of friends of ours that listen to this podcast and who are actors, who are actors and maybe you do some of this stuff and maybe you feel like you want to jump, you want to, at me and say like, uh, whoa, I'm a musical theater actor, I've got to do listen. Okay, this is a comedy podcast. All right, we're doing bits, we're having a good time, we we're just having fun. And I just want you to know that when I said that the people who are warming up in the presence of other actors in the middle of a public green room are bad actors, I meant it. I meant it authentically, like the sincerity you can see it. The more I say it, the more I mean it. I can see him embodying it. I think I'm better than you and I am Okay, and he knows it and that's why I have a podcast.
Matt and Eric:And that's why we're so fun.
Mike:Hung on Hung, hung on hello no, mike whoa. Sorry, it's someone else's podcast Stop it.
Zack:There's one job, mike, damn it. One job and you can't even be quiet.
Mike:They introduced our podcast when we had them as guests.
Zack:They haven't even introduced no one has introduced anything, Mike. The job was to be quiet.
Matt and Eric:Hello everybody and welcome to you. Didn't Ask For this. I did not ask for this damn it, answering life's least pressing questions. Man, we're off to the races. My name's Matt Shea. My name's Eric Poach and joining us today is two-thirds of one of our nearest and dearest podcast friends. It's the Neatcast everybody.
Mike:Guess who isn't here because they're too sleepy.
Zack:Take a random guess based on everything you know about the neat cast for, first of all, if they're listeners of your daft, they don't know a damn thing about me you're right they have class because they're not gonna go back down to the neat cast.
Mike:Have they been listening to your daft?
Zack:they're not. They're not going down into the annals of podcast depths of the dirtiness of where we exist all right, calm, calm down.
Matt and Eric:So so we'd like to welcome everyone to the jare memorial episode of. You didn't ask for this, yes jare could not join us.
Matt and Eric:mike and zach are both with us, thank god, but poor, poor jare had some last minute business.
Matt and Eric:he had to attend to Eric oh sorry, you said that is if I was going to explain his business. All of his organs, all of his organs exploded, and so Jer got into some real rough legal trouble with God, I hope this isn't real. Yeah, it's real bad. God, I hope this isn't real. Yeah, it's real bad. The state legislator actually censored him, not censored they can't do that.
Zack:If someone censors, jer, that'd be great.
Matt and Eric:No, they censured him. Something about money laundering, gun running, that sounds right, that sounds like things he would do.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, so unfortunately he's not here, but we dedicate this episode to his honor.
Matt and Eric:He actually killed several people in the.
Matt and Eric:All right.
Mike:Yeah maybe it's in poor taste to dedicate this to him. I don't know.
Matt and Eric:Oh is it.
Mike:Would you dedicate a podcast to Hitler? I don't know you just equated Germany to.
Zack:Oh wait, I'll tell you what.
Matt and Eric:I'm not saying anything, but for the amount of time you have been on this podcast, the number of times Hitler has been mentioned In our transcript has skyrocketed.
Matt and Eric:It's like if you're watching the ground, it just fucking spikes Every now and again.
Matt and Eric:It's called being a hack absolutely so something I just some eric. I don't know about you, but something just in my bones tells me we should maybe just jump right into it. Yeah yeah, yeah, let's, let's get in there for the sake of time, but, uh, for those who might not be familiar with the neat cast, uh, would one or both of you like to tell us a little bit about the show and why they should listen?
Matt and Eric:yeah, mike would love to do that oh, you want me to do it well, zach has been on the show before, so, mike, why don't you take it away?
Mike:okay, so we're three buddies and we each talk about something that interests us in our own little segment. Zach talks about pop culture news, jeremy talks about weird headlines because he loves reading headlines not necessarily articles and I talk about cryptids in my segment, which is called beyond the pale. And then the last segment we just do like an improv game or something. It's fun. It's four segments and it's three and a half hours long every every week it is a great time.
Matt and Eric:I love it, particularly when you release mini suds that are like 80 minutes long we can't, we can't go short.
Matt and Eric:It's of which we were a part, I think of.
Matt and Eric:Yes, we've, we've been on a couple of times We've had a grand old time. Oh yeah, we always have a hoot.
Matt and Eric:We're also usually shit-faced when we're on your show. I feel like, of the times we've been on your show, we're usually shit-faced. Speak for yourself, eric.
Zack:You need to be to deal with us. It's a requirement.
Mike:I'm getting there, I'm close.
Matt and Eric:Listen. You just flashed the amount we Listen. You just flashed the amount. We both have whiskey right now and yours significantly fuller. Oh you got a big old cube in there.
Mike:Yeah, yeah, I got a big square cube. If I took that cube out, well, it'd still be.
Matt and Eric:You'd still probably be beating me just a little bit, but I did get a head start. So, as you know, we answer life's least pressing questions and we on this show On our podcast.
Zack:On our podcast On how we do things. This one Okay.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, one thing that we absolutely hate doing is coming up with our own content, so what do you got?
Mike:for us. Yeah, what questions do you have? Oh, Zach, did you bring questions?
Zack:Were we supposed to bring questions? Fuck, oh Fuck.
Mike:Oh, bring questions. Were we supposed to bring questions? Fuck, oh this, oh this, that's right. This is about answering the word.
Zack:Ask is in the fucking title you but you didn't ask didn't usually throws people who who asked us to bring questions. I guarantee it was matthew. I'm gonna start.
Mike:I'm gonna start, okay, and uh I I don't know what kind of questions you normally ask on this, but I don't listen. But here's my first question. Told you, poach five bucks two trains are driving toward one another. The first train leaves town a at 5 am, traveling at 60 miles per hour. The second train leaves town b at 7 am, traveling 70 miles per hour. The distance between town a and townb is 455 miles. What is the exact time the collision will occur?
Matt and Eric:okay, okay, um, all, right now.
Matt and Eric:There's a trap here there there is a trap, I can sense it, I can trap would be figuring it out, the trap, the trap would be figuring it out. Let's talk about these towns, man. Okay, yeah, we're talking about two towns, town a and town b, was it? Yeah, that is their.
Mike:That is their legal name on the map and they don't communicate with each other, so their trains just fucking collide all the time.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, they, they, we've established the lore. There's no communication. So this is, this is, during a time when there are trains but not easy mass communication. I'm thinking like, not names either and not names or like. So this is, this is probably like early, like settling the old west times or possibly Ireland.
Matt and Eric:This could be the town that you two sang about. That had no names.
Zack:Yeah, it could be sang about that had no names.
Mike:Oh yeah, it could be. And also that song ends with just a train crash sound effect that plays for 20 minutes 20 minutes.
Matt and Eric:It's very Layla-esque, if you will.
Matt and Eric:Speaking of Matt, did I ever tell you the story of how one of the only times I was ever sent out of the classroom in high school was because I said U2 was just okay?
Matt and Eric:First, first of all, I refuse to believe you were only sent out of the classroom once it was like I hit like, uh, like, two or three times. I was actually a very well-behaved child okay, I, I believe that, you believe that I just was a shitty student, um, but no, I.
Matt and Eric:I had a teacher who legit loved my english teacher. She loved you two so fucking much and when she told us this I was like yeah, they're okay. And she said don't utter those words again or I will send you out of the classroom. I thought she was being joking, she was being sarcastic. I said what? No, I'm just saying they're you know they're fine, they're okay horrible I she. I literally watched the, the color rising in her face as she said eric, get out of my classroom and we are dear friends to this day.
Matt and Eric:It sounds like it was for your own safety it was.
Matt and Eric:It was for my own safety. Now that has nothing to do with tony. She probably would have thrown me through a window town, a town b 3 pm.
Mike:Oh it's 3 pm no, I just I just made up to to save us, I just made up and I did not write down an answer. I have actual questions. That was the bit. It wasn't real but you guys launched into it and I I'm really proud of you guys for trying to figure it out.
Matt and Eric:We'll we'll we'll revisit it throughout the episode I'll tell you.
Matt and Eric:I'll tell you what mike this is. This is very refreshing, because my mind was racing to come up with something funny I, I know, I know I could see you poor guys struggling.
Mike:I was like it would just be really funny to give them like a three sentence long math problem. We, we'll come back.
Matt and Eric:We'll come back. It'll be like our inside joke for the road trip.
Mike:Okay, yeah, this is fun. We're all having fun. Train crashes People dying.
Zack:My favorite type of road trip is the kind with train crashes.
Matt and Eric:Hit us, you beautiful son of a bitch.
Mike:This is a question that I thought of, when you know that one Simpsons Halloween where he's like could you pass the donuts? And they're like there aren't any donuts, and he's like, ah, and he runs and then it starts raining donuts. Yes, my question was if it could rain anything other than water, what would you want to fall from the sky? What's the best and worst thing? I want the worst thing as well as the best thing, Okay.
Matt and Eric:Our worst thing. First thing that comes to mind is molasses.
Mike:Molasses.
Matt and Eric:Thick, thick, heavy Sticky, thick, sticky.
Mike:I was trying to avoid an obvious answer like venomous snakes, because obviously oh.
Matt and Eric:I'm sorry, was molasses too obvious for you.
Mike:No them as snakes, because obviously oh, I'm sorry, was molasses too obvious.
Matt and Eric:No, no, no, no, that was good, that was, that was great. You saw that coming from a mile away, going 60 miles an hour from town a to town b well he actually left town b um that, that is true. Um so it's going 60 miles an hour leaves.
Matt and Eric:Come on back come on back, come on back uh, yeah, best and worst thing.
Matt and Eric:Oh, best thing, best thing I like just how, how horrifying and cool it would look every single time, little parachute army men like time every time you look up. It just starts. It looks like you're getting invaded by toy story, Like it is D day saving private Andy and saving private Andy, where the toys have to go behind enemy lines and then in in Nazi Germany to to save Andy. Alternate timeline big.
Mike:what if storyline that's good Toy Story 5.
Matt and Eric:That's what's happening. Little parachute guys.
Matt and Eric:I do like the idea. I was trying to think of substances, but you introduced an object, which is very fun.
Mike:Would they fuck up your tires If the ground was carpeted with army men?
Matt and Eric:Oh yeah, I mean they'd fuck up everything actually.
Mike:Would it be?
Matt and Eric:worth it.
Zack:I mean, every time I mow my lawn, my blades would just be caked with army men.
Matt and Eric:Oh yeah, that's true, the cleanup would be.
Mike:The problem is choosing something good that isn't going to fuck up the whole world. It's so fucking difficult actually.
Matt and Eric:What if it was? Yeah, man, now I see why we went with water. What if we?
Matt and Eric:give it the magnolia treatment, and it's frogs.
Mike:Frogs.
Matt and Eric:Frogs fall down. Frogs. Pelted in the head by a frog A lot Listen, but once it's.
Mike:Is this your wishful thinking or the bad one?
Matt and Eric:Think about this If it starts raining frogs and it's known that frogs are coming the forecast is frogs. They are a known fact 80% chance of frogs. You have to cancel work. You got to cancel school, like everything's got to shut down. If the frogs are coming, man, what's?
Matt and Eric:it going to smell like out there.
Matt and Eric:That's what I'm saying. You're going to get days off of work for this.
Matt and Eric:Yes, it's basically a natural disaster every time it rains. It's pretty much a natural disaster every time it rains. Well, army men, but god damn, it looked cool, it could lead to getting off for all of frog season.
Zack:So question about these frogs Are these frogs? Since this would be a natural phenomenon, would they have adapted to survive the trip?
Mike:from the clouds, so they're not just exploding on the beach. No, they just explode. They explode on your face.
Zack:No, no, no, Mike, this isn't you, this is.
Matt and Eric:Matt, I think they would just extend what they've already got going with their webbed hands and feet. They'd just get little webbing between their, their pits. They're like old, old-timey spider-man, thin enough that they can parachute, you know okay they can glide down.
Zack:Yeah, exactly, okay, all right yeah, then they can wreak havoc, and then they can wreak havoc. Then they can, you know, chase after pigs and become muppets and whatever else they feel like doing, hop onto train tracks and cause collisions I love it.
Mike:Your, your best option for what's raining. This is the good option, right? I think so I know what. Yeah, I like that. It's a literal egyptian plague.
Matt and Eric:Yes, I think it, yeah, but but it's a literal Egyptian plague. But I have gone to the extent of thinking of the frogs and giving them autonomy in this situation. You're right, so they can live.
Matt and Eric:But also world hunger Gone. Oh, that's true.
Zack:Oh, I thought you were going to say world hunger falls from the sky, because that would be awful. That was going to be mine. I don't want world hunger to fall from the sky. I think that's pretty bad. Oh, you know it'd be bad. Sand, sand, sand, yeah, yeah anakin taught me that gets everywhere and he hates it. Earth, earth entering its dune phase turns you into an angry jedi I?
Matt and Eric:I thought of my bad one also. It would end all war. Who? Who can summon the fucking chutzpah to like bayonet another guy when it's raining frogs? You can't feel cool or badass doing that. You can't feel like a fucking warrior when it's raining frogs.
Matt and Eric:You don't think you can.
Matt and Eric:You'd be slipping, you'd be slipping, you'd look like a fool. It'll get in your visor.
Matt and Eric:So what are you going to do your visor, so you're bringing my frog thing back to the Middle Ages.
Matt and Eric:I mean, I would Modern day Fuck, Try to steer a drone through frogs.
Mike:I'm going to say, if it rained frogs, they'd bring back the visor. The visor would make a strong.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, at 100%. Would come back, mike, I would have to.
Zack:I live far enough North. We're going to have to change our snow blowers over to frog blowers, which sounds weird, but we're just going to have to be clearing driveways.
Matt and Eric:You got to do, I mean it's you got when, when you got to blow frogs.
Zack:You got to blow frogs. You gotta blow frogs. You gotta blow frogs.
Mike:He's gonna turn back into a prince so fast.
Matt and Eric:I thought of a bad one. Okay, hear me out, harmonicas.
Mike:They would whistle the whole way down. They would whistle the whole time.
Matt and Eric:They'd be all different keys and shit. It'd be the loudest, most horrific sound possible. They are light enough to not kill you if they hit you, but heavy enough to fuck you up.
Zack:Well, if they hit terminal velocity, they'll kill you.
Mike:They'll probably kill you, but like yeah, I won't die from a harmonica, I'll find a way. I'm built different. It'll just sound like a.
Matt and Eric:Peruvian death whistle. You'll die from a harmonica that would be, fucking.
Mike:Imagine Peruvian death whistles falling from the sky. That would suck.
Matt and Eric:I have a new answer, the souls of the damned outside.
Matt and Eric:But I mean, you know how sometimes when you're out you can kind of get the vibe that's about to snow, about to rain. There would be no mistaking it, because you'd be taught you'd have wait, wait, wait, what's that, what's that, what's that? And then it would just bam.
Mike:You'd see blue singers tapping their foot like oh no, a storm's coming.
Matt and Eric:Storm's coming. I don't know how to play the harmonica. Could have fooled me, but I do have one I do.
Zack:You sounded like a professional right there.
Matt and Eric:Thank you, I was in jazz band as a child.
Mike:Can I throw out my answers real quick while you guys think Please, please baby, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, well, my bad one. I'm not too happy with my bad one, but the worst thing I could come up with is scalding hot coffee. I think that would be terrible.
Matt and Eric:Oh yeah, we didn't even think about that.
Mike:If it just rained just scalding like McDonald's coffee, the kind that melted that lady's vagina horrible.
Matt and Eric:Oh, yes, yep, yes, indeed, yeah, that'd be awful.
Mike:The best is really fucking hard, because I didn't want to have something that would fuck things up, because I'm thinking about car tires. If you think about your favorite food falling from the sky, you're not going to pick it up off the fucking sidewalk like a freak Kazam style. No it turns evil, and also money that would fuck up the economy.
Matt and Eric:You can't do that.
Mike:You can't, and also the 1% would have control of the rain in no time. That's true.
Matt and Eric:There'd be a rain tax.
Mike:So I chose the middle ground. I think the best possible thing that it could rain besides water is coupons, but not good ones, not very good ones. Coupons but not good ones, not very good ones, just coupons. Just just it rains like okay, five dollars off dominoes.
Matt and Eric:It composts.
Mike:That's not gonna, that's not gonna freak anyone out. The society isn't gonna crumble because you can.
Matt and Eric:You can get some half off cat food oh yeah, I'll stick this in the junk drawer and we'll get back to it and then forget all about it. What?
Matt and Eric:would the world's religions have to say about that? Because that does immediately establish an intelligence beyond our comprehension and understanding.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, it does, and it also implies that they're thrifty with spending and that they know what the best deals are. But Mike's saying that these are not good coupons.
Matt and Eric:Oh, sorry, yeah, they're mids deal, so is that the message?
Mike:well, they're also not bad let me, let me specify, they're also not bad okay, so it's like it's a buy one, get one, like hat 60 off yeah, yeah, it's, yeah like things like that or not.
Matt and Eric:Sorry, 40 off there we go.
Mike:It's like it's enough to make it worth it like you wouldn't use them all the time, but there would be thrifty people would be like you don't use your sky coupon at that point it does become a societal.
Matt and Eric:That's the. What the religions like burn people at the stake over is like if you're not observing the coupons, if you're not using them, that's where the zealotry comes in.
Matt and Eric:If you're not observing the coupons, if you're not using them, that's where the zealotry comes in if you're not using them, because god gave those deals to us yes, the lord, the lord gave you that bogo for cheese sticks on this exact date. On the eighth day, the lord said let there be savings. Let there be savings, let there be savings.
Mike:What would it mean if you got free boneless wings from a sky coupon and you choked to death on them? Would that mean God wanted you dead? It means God killed you.
Zack:Yeah, it's a test Did he fucking kill you, but you forgot to chew. I mean, that's on you, that's not on God. Unless it's on God.
Matt and Eric:Nice.
Zack:Nice, nice. Now we got Gen Z in the pocket.
Mike:Yep, damn On daddy, that is no cap.
Matt and Eric:Nailed it, nailed it. Good job like that.
Mike:You probably think that I'm 13 because of the way I'm speaking.
Matt and Eric:Well that's your preferred age Because of my n, I'm speaking Well. That's your preferred age Because of my nomenclature.
Mike:These guys, they got Riz out to here, riz, is when people want to have the sex with you.
Matt and Eric:I guess that yeah, I guess that is true.
Zack:I mean, when you look at Michael's drip, can you really help yourself?
Mike:Do you guys have that? Those trees that smells like Riz?
Matt and Eric:The trees that smell like Riz. The trees that smell like Riz come every spring.
Zack:Oh man, I hate.
Matt and Eric:Riz trees. Oh boy, yeah, spring has indeed sprung, has it not? When the Riz trees come to town?
Mike:Did we all come up with a good and bad rain?
Matt and Eric:Not Zach. I don't think no, no.
Matt and Eric:Wait, I've heard Mike's good. What was your bad, Mike?
Mike:My bad was scalding hot coffee. Oh yes, that's perfect, good answer.
Zack:Zach. So I had my bad and now I forgot it among all of our talking but maybe it'll come back to me. You know, to have fun and also to go along with kind of the harmonica that you could hear coming would be a good old, nostalgic 1990s Nerf football, like the screamers, and that would be coming down. I mean, do you know how much fun? You remember how much fun it was to chuck a screamer and you get it just right and you'd hear that fucker just whizzing through the air. But Jimmy didn't and it fucking killed him.
Matt and Eric:But he was great. Do those kill you at terminal velocity?
Zack:Oh, anything kills you at terminal velocity. That's why it's terminal Eric.
Matt and Eric:Fair.
Mike:Matt, I'm going to need you to take that comedy bar and lower it right.
Matt and Eric:The fuck back down into the mud with the rest of us. You get that high class shit out of here.
Matt and Eric:I'm so sorry, the wordplay is above the bar.
Matt and Eric:Come on, matt, pool around in the mud.
Matt and Eric:Scale it back, come on I thought one of us should be sitting on a log.
Zack:Think about also how we're and he is like Bilbo Baggins Smoking a long pipe pipe we're gonna be expanding the, the sporting. Speak one day, zach, we'll be. We will be able to expand the, the, the pool of sports people, because you're gonna constantly be out there practicing, you're catching, you're throwing, you're dodging people are gonna become really the shape of their lives.
Matt and Eric:We're going to become an athletic people.
Mike:We will, and for americans that is a change with soft skulls, soft skulls made, made very soft by being hit by a thousand nerf balls do you think that make it soft?
Matt and Eric:do you think that would toughen it up over time?
Mike:no, I think it would tenderize you, I think you would be fully tenderized.
Matt and Eric:But evolution would say those with the strongest skulls would survive.
Mike:I think evolution would throw up their hands at that point evolution just flips the table if you need us, we'll be in the galapagos. Yes, falling from the sky.
Matt and Eric:Fuck it it's over for a humanity uh, in the, in the development of this, of this new dystopia where, like we, like, like the united states absolutely dominates at not dying to the nerf rain, I think our country adopts a new motto, uh, which becomes it's us or nothing.
Mike:That took me a minute.
Zack:Eric's always at another level that I have to catch up to. He's like I'm looking at it and then I go oh, I've got to up my understanding of words to get where.
Matt and Eric:Eric is. It's like a plane that goes really fast. You see it and then you hear it.
Mike:Is that like the new don't tread on me flag. It's us or nothing.
Matt and Eric:100 like an angry snake wrapped around a nerf ball I like to think it would replace the pledge of allegiance in schools.
Matt and Eric:Everybody just stands up and says it's us, or nothing yes that goes so hard the 60s like love, peace, protest Is like what they hand to the Nerf soldiers. Like, instead of like, a Dandelion. It's a koosh, a koosh.
Zack:Fucking hold on a second.
Matt and Eric:Pour one out for the koosh ball. I love koosh.
Matt and Eric:I have.
Zack:We have kooshes All over my office, because we have people that are like they have sensory issues and it helps them calm down when they start to have like an anxiety attack.
Matt and Eric:They like need to feel stuff.
Zack:So we have kush balls in, like every studio.
Matt and Eric:They are so satisfying to hold.
Matt and Eric:If I can make a suggestion to that as somebody, somebody who has similar issues Silly Putty. Silly Putty is another good one. Silly Putty is pretty nice, silly Putty is a good one.
Zack:It's all stuff that we've started acquiring here at our house as well from my kid, so it helps him when he's starting to feel a bit energized and out of sorts. Yeah, absolutely.
Mike:Also something I can't believe none of us have said yet yet. But maybe the absolute best answer for what the worst thing would be is what the song said and men I think it was raining men oh god damn awful that just sucks.
Matt and Eric:For so many reasons it would be funny and ironic for literally a second, and then you'd be like oh, no Christ.
Matt and Eric:Reigning men sucks for two reasons.
Matt and Eric:Exactly two reasons.
Mike:Blood and viscera everywhere coating the ground.
Matt and Eric:These trees really smell like Riz now yeah not only would it be carnage up front, like nose of carnage, but then there'll be some that are coming down on on umbrellas, like mary poppins just well, actuallying left and right, oh my god. Yeah, coming down and being like did you know?
Matt and Eric:vigo mortensen broke his foot in that one take in uh, have you ever seen the godfather like they would not be able to shut the fuck up for the entire?
Matt and Eric:truly a cinematic, and some of them falling you read about people who, like, fell from planes and lived, so some of them would survive they'd be croaking there on the on the sidewalk and be like actually I, I would say better calls all is better than Breaking Bad in many ways, that's all.
Mike:They just have terrible TV opinions. If they live. If they live, they just become fucking insufferable.
Matt and Eric:It's reigning libertarians? Oh no, oh God, why?
Mike:isn't the age of consent younger.
Matt and Eric:Whose tax dollars are going to pay for this?
Zack:Mike, don't say that into a podcast.
Mike:That's what libertarians do. They try to get younger age of consents to pass.
Matt and Eric:That's what libertarians do All right, hold on, let's not go there to all our libertarian let's not tell the truth.
Mike:Does this podcast only have 85 libertarian? Possibly?
Matt and Eric:possibly to all our libertarian listeners out there. I'm sorry that your political party literally combusted upon itself and that it no longer exists to libertarians out there.
Matt and Eric:I'm sure you can't hear me because you're living off the grid until a fucking grizzly bear. Do you know that happened?
Matt and Eric:there was like a libertarian commune and a grizzly bear first of all, I think the word you're looking for is cult continue, basically they, they bought it, they.
Matt and Eric:They got a huge fucking chunk of land. They set up this comp like where they'd have it worked great, until someone forgot that bears live in the woods and a lot of them were attacked and killed by bears because, hey, that's what? The invisible hand of the free market.
Matt and Eric:I was just going to make a free market. God damn you. It's so funny. Yeah, all right, so I think we've got him back. God damn you, it's so funny. Yeah, libertarian humor, I think we've.
Mike:We got him back, we lost him.
Matt and Eric:but we got him back. Now that we've just slid into the libertarian humor, I think we have answered the question.
Matt and Eric:We have answered the question.
Mike:Yes, yes. The worst thing is that libertarians fall from the sky.
Zack:That was it. Ironically, that was my answer. It's so weird, Good we. That was it. Ironically, that was my answer.
Matt and Eric:It's so weird. Good, we can move on Ironically. Yes, so, zach. So we got a question from Mike. How about we get a question from you?
Zack:So here's one. It's not as creative as Mike's is, but it actually came up on one of our previous episodes, because sometimes I'll find a list that will make Mike and Jeremy irate, which they blame me for. I'm not the one who found this list in this ranking, but I found a ranking of nostalgic snacks which they did not agree with, which was fine, okay. But the question that came up because on this list of snacks were some beverages, and can a beverage be considered a snack 100%, which Jeremy and Mike were 100% saying no, there's no way it could, but other people say that it is. So I submit to you can a beverage be a snack?
Matt and Eric:Absolutely, absolutely, not Absolutely Eric.
Zack:Perfect.
Matt and Eric:This podcast is split. I love it. I would bet, zach, what is your take.
Zack:So my take is that it could be. Yeah, I think a beverage could be a snack.
Matt and Eric:It depends in the presentation. You might be winning me over, come on.
Zack:Okay, is this just Zach saying it Shut the fuck up, eric, fuck you Fuck you Zach, go on, baby Eric, we have guests.
Mike:He does have a chocolatey voice Not in front of. Zach, even when he's wrong.
Matt and Eric:Don't do Mike like that.
Zack:first of all, First of all, Mike is the most popular person from the Neat cast. He gets more requests, emails, comments, compliments than anybody else. They're always asking for more Mike and talking about how great Mike is.
Mike:It's true, it's because of my sexy voice? That can't be true. It's because every time Zach talks, I go. That was me as fast as I can. So, people think it's me.
Matt and Eric:Zach, you've got at least one other podcast here. That's just mentioning you pretty much every episode.
Zack:Yeah Well, I throw a lot of shit at you guys, just you do.
Matt and Eric:but you throw gold anyway. You were saying where you come down on this, so I'm coming down with.
Zack:It depends on the beverage. If I'm just gonna grab some water. No, I don't consider water a snack but, maybe I am having some sort of fruit smoothie or something that has a little bit more substance to it, I grant I would say that is a a snack. Now I didn't 100 agree with this list because they first of all they were listing the favorite nostalgic um snacks and they listed crystal pepsi, so this was already kind of a skewed uh that's not a snack, crystal pepsi.
Matt and Eric:I know it's not also not Crystal Pepsi is not a snack.
Matt and Eric:It's not Also not nostalgic, so, Eric.
Zack:Not many people like Crystal Pepsi.
Matt and Eric:Alright. So, Eric, you came so hard on. Yes, it is a snack. I'd like to hear your wrong opinion first.
Matt and Eric:So I'm aligned with Zach in that not every beverage is a snack. But instantly the second I heard can a beverage be a snack? I saw in my head boba, you've ever had boba tea, you? You suck up little boba pearls.
Zack:You have to fucking not if I have to chew my drink it's a snack, eric.
Matt and Eric:Well, okay, first of all, I would say, if you have to chew your drink, it's not a fucking drink, I would say boba is it has little it's a confection. It's a beverage with a snack inside of it. It's boba tea, it's boba tea. It's like it's a liquid Cracker Jack. Okay, there's a prize inside and it is a drink and it is a snack. It is a drink and it's a snack, yes, but it is not a snack by itself.
Matt and Eric:Oh, I didn't realize it was a one or the other.
Matt and Eric:I mean.
Mike:I think it definitely means closer to drink than snack.
Matt and Eric:I thought this was a square rectangle situation.
Mike:I think in the case of boba tea, the boba is a snack. The tea is almost irrelevant, it's just a carry-on of us.
Matt and Eric:It's right there in the name who the?
Matt and Eric:fuck, do you all know walks down the street with a fucking. Ziploc bag full of boba just going in by the fist and just cramming it in their face like popcorn. I have never seen a human fucking being in my life consume a boba outside of the fucking drink.
Matt and Eric:Let me just say one thing about boba tea real quick. I don't know how other people feel about it.
Matt and Eric:You're about to make a whole lot of enemies.
Matt and Eric:I hope know this, matthew yeah, because you can't mention it without somebody happening. But all I want to say is I haven't had enough boba tea to really have an opinion about it. But what, what I do know for a solid opinion.
Matt and Eric:What I?
Matt and Eric:do know for a solid fact is that one day of my life boba tea didn't't exist, and the next day, 50% of the country loved it.
Matt and Eric:That's what I know.
Matt and Eric:And that's why it's important. And when I had the audacity to be like what's Boba Tea, they'd be like what's Boba Tea. You've never had Boba.
Matt and Eric:Tea, Matt. This is why you need to get on the train. Leaving town a at 5 am going it's boba town, town, town town b is boba town. Town b is boba town. It is now established. The lord rose, okay, but to answer your question, I think a beverage can be a snack, but it's still also a drink. Can be a snack and it can still be a drink. Yes, and I think the smoothie milkshake.
Matt and Eric:You know what? I'll give you eggnog too. I'll give you eggnog. That's in the snack family.
Mike:You see, matt is way easier to convince than me, because I say no on all of these.
Matt and Eric:But soda, for example. Soda is not a snack.
Matt and Eric:It might as well be no. No, I mean like nutritionally, it's basically drinking candy. Like, but Eric now be serious, but it's not a snack.
Matt and Eric:Now be serious with me, eric. If you say oh, I'm just going to, you know what? I'm feeling a little peckish. I'm going to run upstairs and get a snack. Are you really grabbing a liquid?
Matt and Eric:Matt, the fuck did you watch me chug literally before we started recording this episode. What did you see? Me open on camera and chug down my fucking gullet?
Matt and Eric:you chugged some, like you, called it like an instant breakfast it is an carnation instant breakfast, matthew.
Matt and Eric:We're not sponsored by them but I wish we were well actually no carnation might be one of those horrific like child soldier fucking. Well the genocidal companies like pulling johnson and johnson shit might be libertarians might be libertarian.
Matt and Eric:The problem with your example there, eric, oh hey zach, hey mike, when'd you get here?
Mike:go on, hey sorry I'm just, I'm just so enwrapped by this boba argument. It's a problem man.
Matt and Eric:It's a problem, man. The problem is that you were drinking that because you said I forgot to have dinner. And I just want to say on the record that is a problem I've never, once experienced.
Matt and Eric:Eric.
Matt and Eric:I start thinking about dinner during lunch.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, yep and I can appreciate, never forget lunch. We'll see matthew uh for my executive dysfunction known as uh adhd. There it is. I'm prescribed a medication that makes me forget all hunger for several hours that's the price I pay for this rate for my legal amphetamines. That is the price I pay.
Matt and Eric:Let me tell you, let me tell you a good rate if you're gonna go down that route. I think it makes you forget a whole lot more than just dinner. Oh, recording time oh yeah can you come up with a cold?
Matt and Eric:open. Hey look, improved focus, not memory. I focus on a lot of things.
Matt and Eric:So I think that's where we come down. On that, which is it's money, I think we can give it a solid. It depends.
Matt and Eric:A solid.
Mike:It depends, I agree with I think we asked for a little more than that.
Matt and Eric:You're right, that's not what we do. We do definitive.
Matt and Eric:And it depends on what you fucking value and I value that drinks can be. Fuck this. Drinks are snacks. Now drinks are snacks.
Mike:No, no, no, love that he's using the harmonica like a, like a judge uses his gavel yeah no he's using it.
Zack:Like every time I speak, you play the science sucker song on our podcast. That's what matt's doing, eric you've I, you know what.
Matt and Eric:You had me on the ropes, and then that, just you you cut the skin of my eyes just now. Now I'm back in, well now.
Zack:You're now, you're just now, you're just, you're matt, you're just, you're striking back because you, you feel attacked. That's understandable, eric, eric is just, he's pleading his case. Yes, thank, don't take it don't just asking questions it's 3 am.
Mike:You walk to your fridge a train is colliding outside yes, there's two trains smashing into each other while frogs are falling from the sky.
Matt and Eric:You know damn well, that's 12 hours from now, god damn it, it's raining human men who have terrible TV decisions.
Mike:There's a train crashing. I'm starving. You open your fridge, yeah, and inside is a cookie and a high C. What do you take the cookie?
Matt and Eric:First of all, thank Okay, mike. First of all, thank you, mike. First of all, here's what I do. I reach under the counter where I keep the Glock duct taped to the bottom of the thing. I put it to your head. I say, mike, is there mayonnaise or Miracle Whip in my fridge? Is there mayonnaise or Miracle Whip in my fridge? Mike? You're my friend, you know right who whip in my fridge? Mike? You're my friend, you know right. Who have you become? Which one is it, mike? Which one? Is it mike, eric? What are you talking about, right?
Mike:now don't tell me, you're a miracle whip man are you? Are you miracle?
Zack:whip, don't.
Matt and Eric:Don't ask him about his peanut butter thank god, I chamber the round and then I reach into the fridge I'm like it's my I needed to know if mike had been body snatched if you had said it's miracle whip, eric, I just want you to know if Mike had been body snatched. If you had said it's Miracle Whip, eric, I just want you to know. Not anything else you say can be trusted.
Matt and Eric:Last, like a few weeks ago, pat bless him he went to the store and bought and got grocery stuff and when he came home he was like, yeah, I got mayonnaise and stuff for sandwiches I go in in.
Matt and Eric:He accidentally bought miracle whip no, that doesn't happen by accident, eric, that's a terrorist.
Matt and Eric:No because he hates it too, because it's a bad. No one in this house likes miracle whip. It's dog shit. No one likes miracle whip. But to answer your question, mike is the high c ecto cooler flavored no it's not, yeah, that that plays a part.
Zack:You know what does play a part. Fine, it's ecto cool, high flavored. No, it's not. Ooh, yeah, that plays a part. You know what. You know what it does play a part.
Mike:Fine, it's Ecto Cooler.
Matt and Eric:High C. Final answer oh God, yeah, Gotta go with the Ecto.
Mike:Cooler Drinks a snack, Drinks a snack Wait, okay, no, no, no, hold on a second, so it's a gross scream, amazing, thank you.
Matt and Eric:Zach. So you're taking Ecto Cooler, the best high C. You're taking that instead of the cookie.
Zack:Yes, no, I can always get a cookie Ecto Cooler.
Mike:You can always get a cookie.
Zack:You don't turn down Ecto Cooler Eric.
Matt and Eric:Zach, are you both experiencing gas leaks in your home simultaneously, are you?
Matt and Eric:motherfucker, because you're the one coming in here with crazy opinions.
Mike:Because I would choose a cookie over an Ecto cooler.
Matt and Eric:I just want to say shout out to Zach Deuce, getting on the right side of history. Zachy D, the ally for me in these dark times, zachy he did not say. He did not say that he was hard and fast in this every liquid I was willing to compromise, and then I was asked to take a fucking stance.
Matt and Eric:Okay, so water's the snack then no water's water matt no so water, it's water, it's the, so water is the thing that rains from the sky what miracle whip is a snack. Tomato v8, that's a snack now, v8 is a snack, miracle whip is a condiment, milk is a snack, every soda is a snack you're saying, you're now saying, you're doubling down and saying that all liquids are snacks no, just that's what I'm hearing. Then you are compromising all drinks.
Matt and Eric:You're saying you were gonna compromise and now you're not, but the thing is, eric, you still are compromising, because if all liquids are not snacks which they fucking aren't- would well hold on, would you say.
Zack:All solids are are a meal, then, and all solids are food would you say all liquid?
Mike:No, if all's okay, you're getting into a whole other thing if you say all salads are food, so all solids must be food, matt.
Matt and Eric:Is that your stance, eric, please? Zach is speaking. Zach please, yeah, take away. I hand off the talking stick.
Zack:It's just one of if we're gonna draw a line in the sand like this, where liquids are snacks. If all liquids are snacks, all solids then, have to be. We're getting a big paintbrush out.
Matt and Eric:If we're doing that you know what You're right. You're right. I'm getting a little heated.
Mike:I can feel myself getting I think I'm about to throw off. I think I'm about to throw up. I'm going to blow up the whole debate right now.
Matt and Eric:Okay.
Mike:What about soup?
Zack:Ah, fuck Yo, Mike, you're not, I gotta calm myself down over here a little bit. Okay, You're pissing him off more Mike.
Mike:He has to go to the crossroads and sell his soul to become the greatest blues singer.
Matt and Eric:In a better world.
Zack:In the train yard. When soup is a snack, he's a hobo. Now when the Campbell sits you back at least has food in it.
Mike:At least the food in a soup is enough to be a meal. The broth is just flavor. It's just like salt.
Matt and Eric:So soup would become a drink. In this new dichotomy, what Soup would stop being considered a? Well, it really.
Zack:Jesus Eric, I just noticed you have a hand in your hand.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, I just like to do this sometimes.
Zack:Did you steal that from one of those Nazca fucking mummies? Where did you get that?
Mike:Eric has a silicon hand he's using to rub his head while he thinks, yeah, soup he thinks Soup becomes dinner.
Matt and Eric:Soup becomes snack. No, soup becomes a drink.
Mike:I thought you were about to be like when it's Campbell's and then we were going to go to commercial.
Matt and Eric:You guys remember the Campbell's soup and hands Do they still do that.
Matt and Eric:The soup and hands. Oh, you mean the drinkable soup? Oh, the drinkable soup, matt, the soup that was designed in a sippy cup for adult humans to drink out of. Eric, what are you?
Matt and Eric:First of all, your eyes are wild right now. Yes, the soup that you drink, just like you drink other soup.
Matt and Eric:Just like you drink the rest of your snacks.
Matt and Eric:I gotta go back to the boxcar. Okay, okay, okay.
Mike:I always blend up my Doritos.
Matt and Eric:So, mike, while I have you, they're 485 miles apart.
Mike:That was the Okay, you're making me scroll up 455. One is going 70. The other's going 60.
Matt and Eric:Okay, okay, so town Boba, town Boba is going 60.
Mike:Yeah, they're 455 miles apart.
Matt and Eric:The Boba express town. Alpha is going, going, going Okay.
Mike:Yeah.
Matt and Eric:Okay, so that, I think, is about the meaningful discussion.
Matt and Eric:We'll get from that. Okay, that I think think is about the meaningful discussion. We'll get from that. Okay, that I think is. But here's the compromise. I would like to say Okay, okay, I'm meeting you on the battlefield. If it is hearty enough not necessarily thick, but hearty enough a liquid, a drink could be a snack. Can we agree on that? Don't leave me like this.
Matt and Eric:Here is my counter compromise hearty hearty, hearty and or uh-huh, chunky deal deal deal put it there you, son of a bitch well then, that's a food.
Mike:If it's chunky, it's a food. No, no, don't, don't, don't shake his hand don't yeah, eric.
Zack:When you do that in front of the camera, I enjoy it oh, a little bit of a.
Matt and Eric:We got a little tube in the situation here.
Mike:Hold on um, I have another question. I brought another one. Oh, please, mike. Yes, please, okay, this one starts strong. If you were a wizard, so imagine you're a wizard love this already you have to. You have to. Okay. This is this question has a lot of caveats, a lot of explaining. So you're a wizard, we're starting off there. You have to send your best friend on a quest that they need to complete the rules are sending joey on a quest.
Mike:The rules are it would have to involve an actual quest, no, like going 10 feet down the road to Walmart. It has to be. The Council of Wizards has to agree it's a quest.
Zack:We are the.
Mike:Council of Wizards Okay, okay, you cannot join them. You're a wizard, so you wait someplace else and you smoke some kush.
Zack:Wow, fuck yes, while they're doing this Okay, okay, sounding good.
Mike:So far they have one year to complete and the world hangs in the balance. No matter what it is, the world hangs in the balance. Sauron is going to jerk off all over Middle-earth and destroy it with lava.
Zack:It's a weird way to do it, but it tracks.
Matt and Eric:So it's got to be an actual quest. Were there any other parameters other than it's got to be a quest and I can't?
Mike:help you. You can't help them other than it's gotta be a quest, and I can't help you gotta you can't help them. It's gotta be an actual quest. They have to be able to complete it in a year or okay, or it's a failure and the world is plunged into darkness does it have to take the whole year? No, they, that's just their time limit.
Matt and Eric:That's their time limit is this taking place in our world as it exists right now? Like I, yes, okay, I can't create a whole like magical mountain. Okay, okay, okay, all right.
Matt and Eric:I think I, I think I, I think I got it, I think I got it. What I would do is I'd call over these, these disciples. We'll call them disciples, I'll call them over and I'll say all right, listen, this is my wizard persona. All right, listen.
Matt and Eric:Ah, the hour is late.
Matt and Eric:The hour grows late and the air grows thin. So listen closely the tidings grim, listen closely to what I guess. Eric and I are together.
Mike:Yeah, you're delivering this together, this man.
Zack:Yes, listen, listen Okay.
Matt and Eric:I'm committed. It's very important that you get this down, okay, so take out your little scrolls and take some notes.
Matt and Eric:Familiar fetch mind quill.
Matt and Eric:You see, there are two trains, okay, one is B, one is E.
Mike:Ah, perfect the town of Alvewell.
Matt and Eric:I have heard of such.
Mike:I have heard of such as these. My king lives in town B.
Matt and Eric:From the Boba kingdom yes. They send their freight train of goods up the turnpike every day.
Mike:They're shipping kobolds to town A Absolutely Hopefully there isn't an accident hey, absolutely.
Matt and Eric:Hopefully there isn't an accident and and the prophecy proclaims there shall be tragedy, unless you can step in my children, yes yes, uh, I, I see, uh, oh, yes, I see our fellow wizards here dac, zeus and michelle.
Matt and Eric:What, miki, michelle? It's like the french spelling it's like, it's like it's got like the elvin tilde. It's a.
Mike:It's an elvin name, oh I thought it was like the only like french wizard also that you're a french elvin wizard, so that's the quest you would send them on.
Matt and Eric:You would send them on.
Matt and Eric:That is the quest I just send them on there to stop the train collision from happening so my quest, uh, this would be for my bestest friend, joey, uh, who listens to this podcast. Uh, who's very good. Um, hey, joey, my what quest? So this is the funny thing, is this? This actually kind of works, because joey is legitimately the only person I know who most closely in in nobleness of bearing and and goddamn zealot adherence to, to his, his objectively correct principles. He's a paladin, he's a fucking paladin. He's an actual literal paladin in everything that he does.
Mike:You better give him a tough quest.
Matt and Eric:So I need to send him. He's got to go on like a bitch. He's got to get like a cool weapon. He's got to like slay. I want Joey, I hope you're listening, Joey? To assassinate Holy shit.
Zack:200th episode Pay attention.
Matt and Eric:Elon Musk. I want Joey to assassinate Elon Musk oh my god.
Zack:I think, if we gave him a year.
Matt and Eric:He's like he and I, I mean and.
Matt and Eric:I want to be clear. Just to make it clear, that's not the position of the podcast.
Zack:That's the position of Promote.
Matt and Eric:That's definitely a quest, that's definitely a quest, inarguably a quest. I can also establish good motive, not personal motive, but I think I've talked about this on the show before. Let's do a little quick thought exercise. All right, everyone, close your eyes. Imagine two trains. Yeah, no.
Matt and Eric:Imagine, okay, imagine, how much it would cost to hunt human beings for sport, so like the cost of abducting them, the cost of getting away with it, the cost of transporting them to a remote location over which you have domain, uh, the cost of paying off all kinds of like government officials and stuff to like look the other way, so you can get away with it, so you can, on your own little private island, hunt human beings for sport.
Matt and Eric:You know, we've lost him, we've lost. I don't know where he's gone, but think about how much money that would cost.
Matt and Eric:This is a movie. Think about it A lot of money and let me, let me ask you this question. I've watched it Does Elon Musk have that much money?
Zack:Oh, yes, one hundred percent, he does.
Matt and Eric:Oh 100 percent he does. He has so much money that not only do I believe Elon Musk has hunted human beings for sport. I think he's gotten bored with it by now.
Mike:Definitely.
Matt and Eric:This is why him and Bezos got into the space race. They wanted to hunt human beings on the moon, the final frontier. So I think that's what Joey's quest is OK. So I'm going to, I'm going to change it. Joey, you do not have to assassinate anybody, okay, but you have to stop Elon Musk, whatever that means to you, and only the heart of a warrior, of a paladin will know.
Matt and Eric:So you have to stop him and you're not saying you have to kill him. But like whatever it means to you Open to interpretation.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, whatever it means to you, open to interpretation. Yeah, joey, your your quest.
Matt and Eric:stop elon musk which also sounds sounds like an evil wizard's name. It really does. Oh my god, this is quality, absolutely well. Again, I'm not quite sure what's happened to Eric this episode where he went just now. But putting that thought exercise aside for a second, we are, I think, getting down to the wire here with the time we have, because we don't just record for like four hours.
Zack:That's weird.
Matt and Eric:Thank you, you're smart. I know that's a shift, so are there any other questions that you want to ask us?
Mike:Zach, did you have another one Because I'm fresh out?
Zack:Oh yeah, Just if you could go back. Oh also, sorry, Sorry.
Mike:Before you go real quick, Thanks. I would send you and Jer to go infiltrate Area 51. I think you could do it with enough pressure. If you knew the world was going to blow up, I think you and Jer could get in.
Zack:Okay, oh yeah, I should answer the question. You should answer the question. That's also a very good answer, mike. Thank you, I would send Mike and Jer to go find irrefutable proof that Bigfoot exists.
Matt and Eric:The problem is that they'll?
Mike:fail and the world will explode. So that'll suck I don't know.
Matt and Eric:I have an ungood authority that there's been plenty of evidence I, I've seen a boy.
Zack:Now. If matt edits in that sound effect I'll be impressed, but I've seen this this evidence on a weekly basis and it's shoddy at best. What's your fucking fucking question? All right, all right. If you could go back to any place in time to correct A classic Our timeline, to be in the correct universe, what would it?
Matt and Eric:be To be in the correct universe. Yes, Is that implying that this universe is not correct? Do you think it is God? I hope not.
Matt and Eric:Assuming we had the desire to change the timeline. Uh-huh, assuming, no, that's kind of me establishing the parameters of the equation matt. Let's assume we have a desire to change the timeline. Let's assume it. What if we had to change something? Yeah, what would it be?
Matt and Eric:okay, there's the obvious. I was gonna say it's a bit basic. The first thing that jumped to mind was preventing the the fire at the library of alexandria oh, I was gonna say holocaust, you fucking monster I was gonna say oh, eric, thank you, thank you the fucked up thing is.
Matt and Eric:I also thought of Library of Alex and Jerry.
Mike:Motherfucker, you know what I would do. I would warn the train drivers at Town A and Town B.
Matt and Eric:Because they're about to fucking hit each other. No Library of Alex.
Matt and Eric:You know what? It's an old bit, but it checks out.
Matt and Eric:It's good, that's good, can't hold that bit, it's an antique. But that's why I was going to say, like there's obvious answers.
Zack:We're going to not do that. Yeah, don't do the obvious ones. No, of course not Be creative. That's why I come to you guys.
Mike:I'd find that first fish crawling out of the ocean and step on it.
Matt and Eric:It might be for the best. It might be for the best to take that out I think overall it would be for the best what I would do. Okay, I would go back. It would be like midway through dexter season five uh important and I would pull the showrunner over and say listen, you're about to make a lot of mistakes for multiple years in a row and I would like to help you. I would like to prevent what is the worst final season to a great show.
Mike:No, but I have this great finale where he becomes a lumberjack after he drives into a hurricane. No, but I have this great finale where he becomes a lumberjack after he drives into a hurricane?
Matt and Eric:No, you don't. You're going to have to make an. You will have to make. You will eventually make a great correction series where you fix it, but it's going to take like a decade to get there.
Mike:I forgot they did the correction series. More shows need to do that. Yeah, it's good.
Matt and Eric:It's good. I would recommend watching. It's good, I would recommend watching.
Matt and Eric:Hell yeah, I still haven't watched Dexter. And you lent me I remember you lent me your box set.
Matt and Eric:I did and I had it for years. Yep, and then I returned it. That's why I don't let the people borrow things, does anyone?
Mike:manage to get Dee Dee to not come to his laboratory Because she's breaking in all the time.
Matt and Eric:Nice, nice.
Mike:That's pretty good Doctor.
Matt and Eric:Doctor, we need you over here. It's a deep cut, oh man. I have my answer. Tell me, eric. So this one does not go out so much to theater nerds as it does to Shakespeare and literature nerds, because, I'll remind you, I almost completed an English minor. Holy shit, check out the big completed an English minor.
Matt and Eric:Holy shit, check out the big dick in the room. My God.
Matt and Eric:I would go back in time to the late 1500s around. I believe it was 1598. I would stop Christopher Marlowe from dying in a fucking fight in England, because Christopher Marlowe is the guy we would probably be learning about instead of Shakespeare had he not died under insanely sketchy circumstances. That is a hot take.
Zack:That is.
Matt and Eric:Shakespeare killed him. No, there's so many fucking theories because record keeping is sparse. There was a theory that Shakespeare and him were lovers. There's a theory that he was Shakespeare. Yes, this one isn't even a theory. This was known. He was a spy for the crown. That's true. Oh my God.
Mike:He's so much cooler than Shakespeare.
Matt and Eric:Dude fucking ruled. He wrote Dr Faust. He was brilliant, amazing, he was the top tier dude and then he fucking died and he was like 27?.
Matt and Eric:There's also a theory that he wrote some of Shakespeare's plays.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, or that he helped with a lot of his plays Fascinating dude.
Matt and Eric:I'm so sad he died under incredibly sketchy circumstances you want to get to the bottom of that little miss.
Matt and Eric:I really just want to know. I would literally go back, watch him get murdered and then go back again and save him.
Mike:I I gotta know what happened, what, what if you were about to save him and he was like oh, thank God, I was about to go finally molest some children I've been trying to molest for the last week.
Matt and Eric:Oh my God, he's a libertarian. No, a different time I didn't have any ideas.
Matt and Eric:A libertarian.
Matt and Eric:We gotta get this guy in the clouds, yeah that's what I would just love to have seen the shit he would have wrote, or like what would have happened had he not been killed?
Mike:What if he just wrote exactly the Fast and Furious movies. I was just honestly his entire work.
Zack:You know I'll say the first 17 aren't that bad.
Mike:There you go, then it goes down 17 of them takes.
Matt and Eric:It takes a brave man.
Matt and Eric:Now before we let you guys go, I do have a question for you that I actually legitimately, uh have wondered for a while, because you guys are like very far apart, right, like so, like physically. Yeah, like did you guys? Did you go to school? Together like what's the backstory here?
Mike:how'd you meet up? This is this is the the least cool thing about us. We met on world of warcraft. Nice, fuck, yes, that's. Uh. I was calling him chev because that was his character's name for 10 years yeah, you did like it took so long to start calling him zach that is so funny what was your character name mike.
Matt and Eric:Sorry, mike, what was your character?
Mike:my character's name uh was changed because I was a gnome named little shit and they made me change my name. Nice, and then I I don't even remember, it was just a mishmash of consonants. They're like here's your new fucking name, you piece of shit kinder shits.
Matt and Eric:Now this. This is kind of funny because I have an, oddly, and so is Jer in the group too. Like is that?
Mike:how all three of you came together. Well, I knew Jer from high school. Me and Jer both were playing World of Warcraft, so that's how we both knew.
Zack:So the way that I got suckered into it was I was playing WoW and I ended up jumping servers, um, and I ended up jumping servers and um that I just happened to be in the main city of uh shatra during the second expansion and jeremy was saying hey, we need a shaman to join our guild. And I was. I'm a shaman, I guild. What do you need me to do? Can you you heal? I can, I don't want to. He's like.
Matt and Eric:God, you're hired, so.
Zack:So, you're a healer, yeah, so I was but I went enhancement for a while, um, and I did that for a while. And then at one point I took a motorcycle trip out to Rome, new York, and I looked at the map and I was like, oh, only like two hours from where these guys live out in new york. So I met up with our friend justin and from there he invited me back for his halloween party and I met a bunch of the other people that that gamed with us mike chair, uh, brendan, the leonettis, but we don't speak of them.
Matt and Eric:We pour one out for jare yeah, yeah, he's dead, unfortunately.
Zack:So that's when I first met everybody from from new york, and so every once in a while I'd make a four hour trip Out there and see them and have some fun.
Mike:What I love about Zach Is we met on World of Warcraft and one thing even though that game is largely Forgotten, one thing that still pisses Zach off Is the moment he stopped playing. If you mention the fucking panda race, he gets so mad when they introduce the talking pandas. I've never seen Zach moment he stopped playing. If you mention the fucking panda race, he gets so mad when they introduce the talking pandas. I've never seen zach more viscerally angry at a video game. He's like like he would literally get on voice chat be like fucking pandas got it was the word verisimilitude bandied about at all.
Matt and Eric:It was. That's incredible, I know I. I love and appreciate those. I. Those are my favorite kinds of hot takes the, the lowest stakes, fucking. This is fucking bull.
Mike:This is what's wrong with this fucking mr panteria, bullshit, fuck that expansion it was stupid, like it was like they released kung fu panda in the next week. Blizzard was like oh my god, we gotta get on this yeah.
Zack:Yeah, wrath was the last good expansion.
Matt and Eric:Go back to Second Life.
Mike:And that's where me and Zach met again. I didn't even know he was playing that game. Yep, he was trying to catfish people as a sexy lady on Second Life.
Zack:Exactly. I figured I need a little bit of excitement in my life and I didn't realize it was Mike. And then we met up and it was like oh hey, you want to go meet behind those Cracker Jacks or whatever.
Mike:I know you guys are, I know we're going long as hell, but the one thing about Zach is, if he visits you, it might not be fun at all. Because did I? I don't know if you guys heard this, but if you guys heard this, but there was one time he came to north carolina, exactly so far away. He came to north carolina and just was like I'm outside and hid from me. He never showed up.
Zack:He never revealed his hiding spot there's a really from an hour and he left. There's a really good. There's a really good episode where that sums it all up.
Matt and Eric:Just I don't think I've heard that one. He just came, loitered in the bushes and left Wait, really, Zach, that's the funniest fucking bit I've ever heard you are the coolest fucking person.
Matt and Eric:I have ever known.
Zack:You're the coolest motherfucker on the planet.
Matt and Eric:Zach, I'm gonna tell you right now If you show up in Maryland and say I'm here, come find me, there will be no rock Poach and I will not overturn.
Mike:I was crawling under cars. He was, do you?
Zack:understand he was crawling under cars and then he would go and tear through his apartment.
Mike:I checked every closet the power move.
Matt and Eric:That's so fucking dope. And then you're like it's my departure time.
Matt and Eric:Goodbye. This is healthy masculinity. This is.
Matt and Eric:We found it. You know what this is.
Mike:He flew 400 miles to play hide and go seek with me, that's not 100% true.
Zack:That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. I was in the state for another reason and I decided to fuck with Mike.
Matt and Eric:It's the funniest thing I've ever heard. That's so good.
Matt and Eric:I got Wonka Vader. It's so funny it's still sinking in. I will find the episode and I will send it to you, gentlemen Mike's retelling is one of my favorite episodes, but also it was fucked up.
Mike:Have any other time would have been like he's lying, but he was like, as I'm looking around, he's like not by the red car texting me that shit, I'm like how's he? Know, and it was so scary.
Matt and Eric:So that required so much skill on his part to observe you. I love it.
Matt and Eric:Oh God, I absolutely love it.
Mike:It's the best bit I've ever heard I don't know how he did it because, like I came inside and didn't text him a goddamn thing, I opened my closet to see if he was in there, and he goes not in the closet how?
Matt and Eric:did he know, when we get mad maxed and it's like thunderdome out there. Zach's gonna be fucking warlord.
Zack:Zach is going to be running this shit.
Matt and Eric:Anyway, now your story about meeting on World of Warcraft did remind me of. I have a similar situation with a gentleman who a friend of mine in the early days of Fortnite when people played it In the early days of Fortnite when people played it. A friend and I were playing, and you know just, we were two people, so we were constantly going in and out of groups and we finally got into a group with a guy named Soup Du Jour and great name Was he a snack?
Matt and Eric:Yes, he was, and he was. You know he was not only was he good, good, but he was funny and it was just he was a good dude. So we were like, hey, you want, and everybody else we were playing with sucked. So we were like, hey, you want to like jump ship here? And so we'd play together for a while and we all friended each other on playstation and you know like we'd. We'd be online, we'd jump on fortnite where we dropping boys, you know back in the good old days Out there, grittying on them Absolutely.
Matt and Eric:And one day it was just my friend wasn't with us and it was just me and Soup, as I took to calling him. So me and Soup were playing for a while and I made some off comment about the town I lived in and he was like where in the town do you live? And I was like, uh, this is, this is getting a little, this is getting a little weird. My guy like, uh, I, I I don't want to give you a specific name he was like I live on Conti road, where do you live? And I was like holy, fucking shit, shit. And I was like I live on conti road. Oh my god. He was like where do you? And I was like hold on, you're soup. You're kind of freaking me out. And then he gave me his exact address and he was like do we live down the fucking street from each other?
Matt and Eric:and indeed we did holy shit awesome follow-up question every time he online did you say soup's on, I did.
Mike:I did indeed, that's delightful.
Matt and Eric:Fucking nuts. We've lost touch a while ago. But, soup, if you've been silently listening to the show and not telling me, shout out to you, man, pour one out.
Matt and Eric:Pour one out. For you and Jer. For you and Jer. This is the Jer and Soup Du Jour Memorial episode, absolutely so that'll about do it.
Matt and Eric:That'll about do it For this episode of you Didn't Ask For this. As always, we do need some questions. Send them to us at youdontaskforthis at gmailcom. That's all spelled out. Or you didn'taskpod just hit my microphone with a harmonica. That's the letter. You didn't ask pod, instagram, twitter, facebook, etc. Etc.
Mike:Um, uh yeah, or call the thought line at 410-929-5329 and leave us a message. That's right, yeah, and if you know the answer to my math problem, send a message out there to their hotline, to their thought line, absolutely and they'll send you free swag, no matter where you live. They'll send you their most expensive free swag we will.
Matt and Eric:We will make swag and send it to you if you take the time to solve that math problem we, we will, I matt, I will, pinky, swear to this with you, to the listeners.
Matt and Eric:We will, we will the first person to call in and answer that question correctly. We, yeah, we which will require us to check the fucking math.
Matt and Eric:But we don't currently have swag, but we will make. We will make swag like. You'll be the reason we have. So you'll be the you'll have a but, but you won't get the first piece of like the line of merch. You will get a custom thing you'll get a good, you let's.
Matt and Eric:Let's temper expectation. Oh no, no, fuck it our harmonica. Sorry, let's bring. You're right, I'm getting, I got, you'll get a good, holy shit. Let's temper expectations.
Matt and Eric:No, fuck it Our harmonica. Sorry, let's bring. You're right I'm getting. I got too themed. I'm so sorry.
Matt and Eric:We'll see if we there's got to be a harmonica. You know they have t-shirt printing services harmonica printing services.
Matt and Eric:Anyway, for all of us here you didn't ask for this my name is matt shay, my name's eric poach, my name's mike.
Matt and Eric:I'm zach and listen. You didn't ask, but uh the whole fucking episode eric I had the whole fucking time. I had the whole time. I thought, for sure you had something prepared.
Matt and Eric:You'll have something I was lost in zach's eyes look at those eyes and tell me no, all right, hold on. Hold on, erica.
Matt and Eric:Oh, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.
Matt and Eric:Okay, we'll just, yeah, I'll just patch it in real cleanly and won't keep any of this.
Matt and Eric:Yeah, no.
Matt and Eric:So here I'll give you again. Are you ready for the Q&A?
Matt and Eric:Oh yeah, I'm ready, don't screw it up in the arms of what's this for, and then the text comes up on the fades, up on the screen, in in memoriam jare, so in like 1964 to 2024 yeah, he was born in 64 and then, like it just shows, like a shot of a sad puppy in a cage for some reason. Yeah, he was born in 64.
Matt and Eric:And then it just shows a shot of a sad puppy in a cage for some reason. How dope would it be?
Matt and Eric:if I could play it on harmonica Dude, if you just had that in the fucking back pocket the whole time.